Whats love got to do with it?

I find it very interesting the lack of respect for the word love. Its not just an adjective to describe your favorite food or just something to say to keep someone close. Its a life changing word. You use it and there is no coming back from it. You say that to a person it and it will forever be engraved in their heart as within your own.
I love my family. I love my kids, my husband, my parents......even everyone else in my bloodline. I love my friends, I love certain foods, and I especially love certain alcoholic beverages! ;) But is this all the same meaning? Yes and No.

I recently requested feedback via facebook and twitter. I wanted to see how everyone else viewed this word. I didn't get too much of a response but enough to see that everyone thinks of it differently. So what do we do with that? What if the person you commit that word to, defines it completely opposite of what your intended meaning for it? What do you do with that?

There really isn't anything that you can truly do. Just refreshing the feeling of word so the other person can truly feel it. It is a feeling. Its a respect. Its a fact that you chose them for that word and you should forever honor that.

Now here is a song that truly instills the pain that person could feel if the word is used loosely or without meaning. I'm sure you have heard it. Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts. Pretty much every lyric is powerful....but I'm just going to quote just a bit:

"I learned to live half alive"
"And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wishI had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises"

Okay...ya, it was just a small bit but I think the most important. "You learn to live half alive". What does that mean? Well, when you express love to someone then you fill a part of their heart that you didn't know that needed to be filled. When you go away, that place is forever empty. Yes, a person can move forward and find love again but there will always be that empty spot. It can never be repaired. So you leave a scar. It goes into the other verse I selected. People hold onto certain moments that make that change for them. Whether it was the first kiss or just a moment that increased the value of the word shared between another. Its always those moments that a person tries to forget to think that they can be okay enough to move forward. The thing that sucks the most is that unless you get a brain injury, it will always be there. Love changes you. For the good and for the bad.

So going back to where love is meant the same for both friends and family and food and what not. It maybe a little different to say to someone that I love you as much as I love cake. Well......how much do you love cake? Does it excite you when you eat it? Does that person excite you when your around them? See...it could mean the same....but the power to a person of saying that just wouldn't be the best thing to say.....but do you get my meaning?

There are people that have come and gone in my life over the years. Some I chose to walk away from and some I haven't. The pain for all of them is still the same. I cared for them in one way or another and letting that go is hard. Call it separation anxiety if you want. To me though, I did truly care enough to the point that they changed me so much that they left a scar or imprint on my heart and my life. I do not use the word loosely. It always has values. I just wish people that I do share this with would know that. Would feel that. When you go away, you change me. So please know that.

Branding ;)

Can I just say, I am overly excited about Monday. Monday means my house will FINALLY be empty again. Its the first day of school!!! Today I will be heading out with all the kiddos to go get the last few things we need. I really wish Joe was home from work already so I could have some help but looks like I have to do this on my own.
The kids are growing up and I'm loving and hating it all at the same time. Kymberly is already begging for a cell phone because apparently all the kids her age already have one. Crazy huh? I mean she is about to turn 11 on Sept. 11th. How on earth does it make sense for an eleven year old to have a cell phone? Ya I had a pager when I was 15 but I had a job too and I paid for the damn thing.
I guess its a good thing that my choice of career will always be able to financial support my family but damn.....things are starting to get expensive! Thank heavens for thrift stores though. God I love them. Yea...they freak me out a little bit. The clothes are dirty and everyone that pretty much works there just got out of prison so its pretty intimidating. Plus I hate it that they staple the price tags on the clothes. So annoying to prep all the clothes I end up finding for the washer. But hey....I can pretty much get entire wardrobes for all five of my kids for under a 100 bucks when I go. Its all name brand too. Who cares if the shit is last season? If your wearing Abercrombie and Fitch then my daughter is happy. As am I! ;) I'm a brand whore...I will admit. I like nice things and it has to have a decent label. This word revolves around appearance and money so you gotta look good. That doesn't make exceptions for kids either.
So today like I said, we are off to do some shopping. I'm hoping that Target and Kohl's will help me complete everything I need to get done today with minimal complaining and tantrums from the kiddos.
I just can't wait for tonight to snuggle up with my husband. I hate that he's gone so much but hey....he's got an awesome job that pays beyond Excellent. Gotta be happy for that.

Friends = Pain

I've been through a lot. May have not always handled it all well at times but I came through it eventually. Just when I think I finally have the right balance in things, something happens. I can't figure it out. I guess its just my life pattern. Gotta have more lows than highs in my life I guess.

I meet people, bring them in my lives.......I share my world with them. Then something happens. Usually out of nowhere and then its over. I'm so sick of losing people this way. It almost makes me just not want to even put myself out there anymore. I know I can be complicated and stubborn. Sometimes people just can't handle it. Its not like I'm hiding that part of myself at first so why out of nowhere can it be bothersome?

I just got hit with a curve ball. Definitely something I didn't expect. Looks like this will only end if I actually do something. Make people pay for their actions. I'm no longer going to allow people to hurt me. Its not happening. I'm sick of it. Its really sad too. I think I find good people to share my life with. Share myself with....and then I get pushed away. I can definitely say I'm done with that. Nobody else new. No more friends. I can not ever trust anyone else again.

I may wait the weekend to see if they slept off their actions and finally get their head straight and would like to talk. I really hope that is the case. The last thing I want is to outwardly cause pain to another. I'd rather handle things like normal people do. So we will have to just wait and see. I will blog specifically what I'm talking about probably on Monday....dependent on this person's choices.

So that is that for now. I'm going to go back to drinking and maybe some more crying and then punching things. Gotta love life.

<-------I'm with stupid.

People make mistakes all the time. Its human nature too. The biggest lesson in life is to not make the same mistakes again. Another thing we constantly do is stupid things. It correlates with our mistakes as well but its a little different.
When you actually sit back and think about something before you say or do, you may think to yourself for a second that, "This is stupid".......but then you do it anyways. Pretty much with the way cause and effect works, you do a stupid thing:You get stupid and/or negative results. So why in the hell do we do it? I really wish I knew.
On average I probably at least do something stupid at least twice a day. Sometimes I think about it and still do it and then there are times I just do it and think about it while I'm doing it. I did a really stupid thing today and since I did, I ended up in tears. So even though I knew it was dumb, I did it anyways and nothing positive came out of it. Just a remembrance of pain I've been trying to get over and the anger I was almost at the point of letting go from. I know I'm an idiot now, but why couldn't I have saved myself from all that?
Thank you human nature for just our natural choice to seek responses from everything that provides a situation of cause and effect. I just wish it was more fairytale like......for instance; opening my purse and finding a thousand dollars in there or going into my garage and new car appeared everyday. See...doesn't that sound better?

Still here, but not there.......

I'm probably not going to have that many readers anymore. It sucks...but at least I know I still have a place to vent and share. I deleted my facebook. I was just done with it. Nothing really good has come from it. Yes, I was able to reconnect with people that I haven't seen or heard from in years. Its nice to see their families and to see how much everyone has changed. That great part of it though was always out weighed to someone questioning what I'm saying or even doing.
Its pretty bad that I always had to provide a disclaimer for anything I said, but even still it didn't work. My family calls me up or texts me whats wrong or just start private conversations behind my back. Its easy to say that it is what it is and to fuck all of them, but sometimes it just isn't.
I get that I can be a person that could be hard to understand. I don't even understand myself sometimes. I'm just another person like you just trying to find their place in this world. I have hardships, personal drama, personal highs just like everyone else. I'm just no longer going to respond to the negativity that is brought up because someone doesn't understand the place that I'm coming from.
You don't like what I have to say, then don't listen or read. I need a place for me to just let things out and to not be questioned about it. I also love writing and helping others with some insight that I do have in the world. I don't mind being entertainment for some, but me being the laugh of everyone's jokes its not where I want to be.
So what are you going to get when you come to my blog? Just me. You have questions, ask them! There is a topic you want my insight on? Tell me! I would love to provide anything to my readers. You'll be helping me while I'm helping you.
Its best for you to become a follower so you can stay up to speed on whats going so please do so. I don't want my friends to be gone because my facebook is. I hope to still see you. ;)

Much love to all of you and thank you to those that will support me on my upcoming journey. It would be awesome if you could share this on your facebook so people I may not have connections to at the moment that I once did can find where I am. Thanks!!