Ring Ding Ding New Year!!!

A few months ago I already did my look back for the year. You pretty much can just go through all the blogs for the year and see how much of an epic failure it was. I started my year out in a very great professional viewpoint. From there though, the highlights were very slim.

We grow from mistakes. How we function after mistakes detects our growth. It can also test what our limits are. There are three "C's" of life. You must make a CHOICE to take a CHANCE or your life will never CHANGE.

I am still that girl that changes her mind of things like a drop of a hat. Believe me I have even been called out for it. Its almost at the point some people may preserve some of the shit I may say as they perceived "the boy who cried wolf". That is how this year has been for me. No one believes my changes or my goals and what I can accomplish as a person. The person at the beginning of the year would had cared if no one was behind her. Now....(switching back to first person) I don't.

Its the end of 2011 and there really isn't much of anything else I can do to even end this year on a good note that is if I don't win the New Years Lottery drawing. It is what it is. Another year has bit the dust and now I'm 30. Fucking bullshit. I don't like being 30. At least when I was 29 I could say I was just another 20 year old where I could still pull the immature shit. 30 means you kinda have no choice to be a grown-up because you can't hide that age.

Oh well. It is what it is yet again. I've shared a lot this year. I lost a lot this year. Things haven't been a perfect world. I know who my true friends are. I know what truly makes a family. I know the feeling of losing everything. I felt sorrow, pain, anger, frustration and whatever adjective you want to throw in here. There are still somethings that are unresolved. I hope one day those things would come to amend....I will not though force upon that anymore. I have to learn to do deal with the fact that I can not fix everything.

Now here is some good stuff. While you are all off doing your whole resolutions and stuff, I will be on my journey to save myself and my family. I have a year to mentally prepare and physically prepare to finally graduate from college and hopefully become selected as an officer in the United States Air Force. I will also be building my resume with opportunities of internships in my field of pharmacology and building a business relationship with the product HcG. Which by the way, I can't wait to do.

I really hope you all had a very enjoyable Christmas. Have fun ringing in the New Year and breaking those resolutions. 2012 will be here soon and I'm looking forward to it. I'm wrapping up the year and hiding it in a box covered with explosives. I never want to think or relive any of it. Bring it 2012! I'm ready!!!

Trusting Unmistakable Love

I watched a movie last night on Netflix called Trust. It was a really screwed up movie that is for sure. As a parent of an 11 year it becomes a lot scarier to let your children go out in the world. You want to protect them. You don't want anything to harm them and you will do anything and everything to keep harm away. The worst thing is that you can't. Unless you lock your kid in their room and never let them see the world, something will happen because life is just like that. It takes the good and the bad to mold people on who they are today. Its your job as a parent to prepare your kids for what to do when the worst comes their way so they themselves can figure out what to do with it.
This movie last night had me terrified and bawling all at the same time. A 14 year-old girl met a guy online that she thought was 16. He pursued her for over two months and some how convinced this poor girl that she was in love with him even after finding out his true age which was I think 35. She met up with him....had sex...then he disappeared. It took awhile for her to even figure out that she was actually taken advantage and raped. She thought she was in a relationship because that is how he made her feel. He had the power to over take this girl's mind to think that what has happened was choice, not rape and that they were in love. Its overall terrifying. Its sickening.
One thing though I want to hit on is how men have the capability to make us girls think that we are in a relationship. Think its love. Think it truly is meant to be and to be soul mates and then before we know it we are standing alone. They got to have sex and they are perfectly fine with moving on. You officially mean nothing. Its debilitating. You question yourself thinking what made you not good enough? What did you do wrong? You begin apologizing for things that you don't even understand just to have them back and all reality is that they don't. Guys will invest months into someone. Tell them the world. Hell even give them the world. Then disappear and shut you out like your a stranger on the street. I've been that girl. I'm sure many of you out there have been too.
Men know that all women want in someone is the world. To feel extra special To feel that all they need is just you to be happy. A woman's weakness is their heart. You get in it and you have her wrapped around your finger no matter how strong and independent she is. That is why love is so powerful. When its felt to be real, nothing else matters and nothing can change your mind or heart on what is right. Watching the movie and to actually see this little girl's reaction to the reality that what had happened to her was rape it was devastating to her. Reality broke her in a million pieces. (Very good actress by the way! )
I had a lot of realities hit me when I watched this movie. Past relationships that I thought was something really wasn't. Think maybe that is why I cried so much watching the ending because I know that shocking pain.
All I can say though at this point that I'm thankful that I do have the reality of real love. The man who kisses my forehead when he thinks I'm sleeping.....the one who goes out and starts my car when its freezing outside in his boxers to defrost it for me to go to work, the one who looks in my eyes and say how beautiful I am to him....my husband. It took a lot of relationships to figure out what is my perfect heaven of love. Even with a disruption to our marriage it still is love. Crazy...unmistakable love.

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead.  We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces."  ~Sigmund Freud

School, work....life. You know, the usual.

Ya..its been awhile. School has overtaken me. The only thing I've been writing lately is how to use critical thinking in the management world. BORING!!! I fall asleep writing my papers so I know my teacher that is giving me my A's is completely not reading my material and pretending to like me. Either way, I'm getting an A so I'm not going to complain. Too much anyways.....
I'm still searching for my next best thing in the job front. Nothing really has impressed me or has sparked my interest. I am thankful for the job that I have now and I don't want to just get another job just to have another job. It has to have a purpose for my career path. When people look at your resume, it has to have a balance. You don't want to confuse someone and actually make them ask you why you went from being a corporate executive to being barback at a local bar. This economy isn't helping though. Sometimes you just have to take what you can get to just have an income coming in. I've had people call me for Tech positions but to me it doesn't make sense. I would be taking two steps backwards. I love what I do, what I have experienced, but I want more. Maybe its selfish but I think I deserve more too. I have the drive. I work really hard. I know I will be happy in my career one day and I don't want to take any steps backwards in it. When I wasn't selected for the Analyst position at Amerisource....it sucked, especially knowing that it had nothing to do with me. It was because of one of my references. Funny isn't? I didn't get a job because of someone else. It is for the best though. I will not be bitter. I won't go into anymore detail about that situation. I just know I have to change my references and move on from that.
Time has created a new me. I appreciate the people I still hold close even though its a small handful. I've grown from my mistakes and learned from them. I am so looking forward to next year because I know it will not be as horrible as this year has been. It just can't be.

Lost Soul

Life has beyond frustrated me in so many ways. Things that are unexplained....things that don't make sense...things that piss you off and want to puke at the same time....

Where to even begin? I don't even know. I do know that God has definitely pushed my buttons. I don't understand the way He is painting the lives of others here lately. So much doesn't make sense. Bad happening to the good....the bad getting away with whatever they want and living so happily.


I personally haven't been to mass for quite awhile. I haven't lost my faith. I'm just lost in it. I'm confused on what I deserve and what is my purpose. I don't think it would be fair to sit in mass thinking opposite then what I should. Each day passing though its making it even harder to even go back there. I'm sitting with too many questions now wondering "Why?" and it is way too overwhelming. I can't do anything about it though.

 My favorite song just started playing on Pandora. "Wish you were here" ~Pink Floyd.

Random how things just flow.

So I'll just be the lost soul as always swimming in a fish bowl.....year after year.

Just read it. ;)

Facebook lately has been overloaded with special quotes and sayings. I do it too. I find something that means something to me so I share it. It is truly weird though when certain people put some quotes up that they either have no understanding of and/or that they are completely not aware that they are not practicing what they preach.

What you do AND what you say defines you as a character. Not one or the other. You can't live two separate lives. Don't say you hate bullying and people discriminating against others when you were just yesterday making fun of a stranger.

No one is perfect. We all have the bad in us along with the good. People tend not to admit to bad qualities. We've all done things we aren't proud of or sometimes we still do them. It is lying and people do it because they don't want others to think badly of them. For example: a person cheated on their girlfriend with another and didn't even tell their best friend about it for years later. They just didn't want their best friend to think badly of them because they knew what they did was wrong, but did it anyways.

I get that people come with baggage. I myself come with a shit ton. I don't think I would ever take it to heart if someone isn't quite as perfect as they make themselves out to be, it is just the consistent lying is where there would be a problem.

I've caught myself numerous times to posting a return to some of these quotes and stuff people are putting up. I know if I say something to them that all hell will break loose so I bite my tongue. Kinda been doing that so much lately that I got an email from one of my friends saying to me, "Hey...you okay? Your not bitching out people and putting them in their place as much as you used to? Kinda miss it...". This made me smile...a lot. I am that girl that doesn't give a shit, but I've been wrapped up with family issues so I haven't been myself. Hopefully I'll be back to me soon. This whole being stressed about EVERYTHING is getting old.

So here is my tip for you all for the day. Don't be someone your not unless it is Halloween. Other then that you have not excuse for it. :)

Sex Please

****Just a little disclaimer before reading further. This isn't for the prude let alone kids. Don't continue to read if sex bothers you. ***


Okay....so your in a long term relationship and/or married. Sex is just one of those things anymore. Its like you look at the calendar and see its Thursday and you think..."I'm getting it in tonight". Hello!!!! Pathetic. Really. It doesn't have to be that way. Things get hard to balance with work, school, and kids and hell what to make for freaking dinner....but the one thing you shouldn't ever plan is when to get it hard.

Best piece of advice that I got from a couple that have been together for over 30 years was that the husband said, "I still date my wife". I think he maybe the only guy in the world out there that does that...but hey, you boys need to learn from someone. Go back and try to remember how you were wondering what you had to do and/or say to get a piece of ass. You actually had to go out of your way to try to make something happen. Quit trying to expect it, let alone demand it. You can't test a woman because we can hold that shit hostage. Don't just think the Lion's Den is for men because us girls can go a lot longer with the funness of our toys then you can with Mr. Right Hand.

Women, now don't just do it because you think its required. Remember you actually used to enjoy it......well at least I hope you did. Sex is needed. Make it fun. Make it spontaneous. Don't think that every time you do something that it has to be "making love". Shut up. I really honestly hate it when I hear girls say that shit. Bitching about that they won't do anything unless it means something. I just want to smack them upside the head and have them wake up to reality. Realistically, you can tell the difference. Passion is different then when you get down and dirty. Sex is just something we need. I can literally walk around a public place and can tell who just got laid and who just really needs someone to just touch them. Plus if a girl really thinks every time she lets her man have access to the goods is making love then she is dumb. Beyond dumb.

So...with all that, here is my advice. Stay at home mamas, put some make-up on. Take off those granny panties and put on those Lacey Victoria secrets that you know your ass looks good in. Make your man look at you and not have them all disappointed when they come home and see your hair pulled up and his basketball shorts on. Take care of yourself and it will one: Confuse them and Two: won't stop staring. Good things if you want to get it in.
Guys....you need a lot of advice but here is just a bit. You don't deserve access just because you brought home flowers or happened to remember to take the trash out. Quit expecting it because you think you have been a good boy. Little things make the big changes vs. the large gestures. Is a strand of hair in her face? Stop her for a minute and move it out of the way and look into her eyes. Remind her that she is beautiful at complete random moments. Next thing you know you may have learned how to hold your balance standing up because you just curled her toes by barely touching her and she is probably in attack mode. Oh and one more thing. Almost forgot. Men: now please if you know your going to be a 10 pump rookie, make sure you don't just pump and go without paying first. Just saying.

Everyone needs to make the effort. Everyone needs to have sex. Just not all with each other please. That is gross. So there is some randomness for ya. Enjoy!

Courage to Update

Someone told me the other day that they would never have the courage to say some of the things that I do say let alone share. They don't have the courage to do it.

This kind of thrown me back a little bit. I don't want this persona of that I am the girl that doesn't give a shit about what people think of me. I unfortunately am all about what people think of me and trying to stay in the good gracious of that. Every time I leak out something personal, I do have a huge hesitation to hit the publish button. I freak out to be more specific. I hate to be misinterpreted and I don't want others to frown on me because our viewpoints are different. I love seeing how many times someone reads anything I wrote but then again there is a pit in my stomach freaking out to see the numbers go up. The numbers mean that there is one more person that has a story in their head of me and not knowing what to do with it.

I'm getting better though. Mostly because I don't think there really isn't that much for secretiveness about me out there. I set it up that way though. I can't go and say I am a real genuine person and then sugar coat my life now can I? ;) Life is hard and my blogging is my reality of it.

I love that I have readers and I love that my stories have helped others too. I'm not going to copy and paste all the private emails I have gotten over the past few months. It has though helped knowing that here I was scared to hit a button to share when someone else out there was going through what I was and needed to know they weren't alone. I hate that they gone through what I did but knowing I was helping them made my pain not so bad anymore.

Speaking of pain, I'm getting over it. Just taking each day at a time. I'm medication free and my drive for success has no speed limit. I'm working on me in more ways then one and feeling good about it. Awesome things are happening for me but I'm still kinda stuck in a slum of wanting to have everything fixed right now and it not happening. It sucks but I really think just hanging in there for at least a year, I will find myself the wait worth it.

Those of you that are apart of my Facebook got some of the inside scoop on what I'm thinking for as my future. I'm looking at joining the military. Right now, I don't have the support I need........but I'm working on it. I just gotta find a way to be taken more seriously. I'll think of something eventually. Right now, I got nothing.

What I do though have is some pretty interesting blogs coming your way.. Remember the blog on the Queef? Haha...well I have more kinda up that alley going to be published. Nothing like taking awkward and non talked about conversations and making them my own. ;)

So that its for now. Just a quick update. This girl needs some sleep. I'll be blogging your way soon! 

Life is Disclaiming

There is a difference of being you and being socially connected. There are lines that distinguish them. You either cross them or you don't. You either get the whole story, the whole feeling, or you don't. You do have the option of Transparency though. You can get out what you want to say, but this opens doors for misinterpretation. Something that I have to deal with quite frequently because I roll with both honesty and being transparent.
I shared a very personal viewpoint late last night. I didn't have to. I didn't have to open the door to strangers, friends and family to know something that they wouldn't have if they chose to read it. Most people look at things and define character. I do...I definitely do that. I do view though my social sharing as a hypocrite. I get pissed when I'm told to filter, honestly. I'm being me. I have a shot gun mouth and delayed thinking. I get really heated and become this person that acts on emotion without seeing how first how it can affect others, let alone myself. I'm usually cleaning up a lot of messes my mouth makes. Its me though. I'm trying to change some part of it, but changing such a natural element of myself is where its hard.
I don't like people thinking negative of me. When I act and speak a certain way I have to accept another perception even when my intentions were never negative to begin with. My damn emotions get the best of me so I get a little selfish and just get out what I want to and not want to deal with how other people may think of it. You take something I say personal and your name isn't even mentioned, then you are ignorant. Your the naive one that thought I was talking about you when I wasn't  and you done got yourself up in a tissy for nothing except to piss me off. I had that happen quite a few months ago. It still annoys the piss out of me honestly. I said on Facebook, "Stupid Nurse" and then something else along with it. Well two people just saw Stupid Nurse. They didn't see anything but that. Why? Well they are nurses. I didn't say, Sarah and Brianna are stupid nurses. I said stupid nurse and why this person was a stupid nurse. I didn't label a name because I obviously don't associate with them via facebook. I obviously don't like them for the reason I stated. I'm still to this day getting back lashed for it. I had to deal with a stupid nurse and then two more stupid people after it because they made it about them because they didn't have the balls to ask..."Hey...what happened? Or Who ya talking about?" Nothing of the sort. They just thought it was them........blah blah blahhhhhhh

People don't know that when I do sit down and write either this blog or my Pharmacy one that I have classical piano playing loudly in the background unless I say I do. People don't know where I am unless I say I do or punch it in on Foursquare. I tweet random thoughts like I'm having a conversation with myself, I facebook to see how many people actually even listen. I get fired up when I see more investments on Empire Avenue, your social standing in the Social Media world. I'm that girl lost without her phone, iPad, Laptop, and my many desktops. I check all my emails, I respond to every text, I return every call. I enjoy being connected. That's it. If you don't want to see when I got take a pee, then don't follow. Okay...so I don't announce when I pee. There are lines that believe it or not I don't cross. ;)
You know something about me and want to judge my character for it by the way I share then do it. I write and be connected for me. I have to take in all the good and the bad with it because of it. Maybe I'm just naive and expect that if I write something and someone that reads it begins to try to figure out what the hell I'm coming from that I would expect them to come to me versus talking to everyone else around them about me. That doesn't happen though. I usually get a conversation delivered to me by my father or sister two weeks after I say something or do something and then there is a lecture.
I do have a lot of moments of when I reflect after I've done something or said something. People tend forget that the hardest person to deal with is usually yourself. I'm unbelievable hard on myself. Its why I go into panic mode or clean up mode and start apologizing. I truly don't mean to upset others, but I can't hide being completely me.
Usually apart of my lectures from family is about my future. They know I want something big. I'm not going to stop when it comes to my career. I'm thinking big and random and over the place. I want my feet in tons of opportunity. I think the largest Pharmaceutical companies...then my mind goes to stepping into the military as an officer. Walking in representation for the FDA. Really really big thoughts and goals. My mouth may prevent me opportunities. It may not. I know that people don't want to see a representative of a BIG Corporation going out with friends and consuming lots of alcohol. Tweeting curse words, posing in awkward positions for random pictures to share will be viewed. I will be labelled. I will be selected or not. I live in a fairytale world of still being me and fighting for what I want and getting a positive result. My perception may bite me in the ass when it comes down to it in the end but that something for me to deal with.
I think and I know that I'm a good person. I'm that friend that you can count on for anything. I'm that one in the corner with a strong perception and not afraid. I hope that things of my past won't disable my future. I will be something big one day. You will get more out of Google then my social networking and old softball stats. I'm making a difference for me in a loud way and not the typical one. I follow rules to an extent and don't really listen to anybody. Well I listen...I just don't carry out what other people tell me to do all the time.
The point of all of this rambling is that I chose my path. The outcomes will happen the way that they are supposed to whether or not I say something. I chose to share things that people don't. I don't expect anyone to understand why I do what I do or say what I say. I just expect if their are questions or concerns then to come to me for it. It also though means you have to have a ground to stand on for your reason to even care what I do in the first place.
So that's I guess what all I have to say about that.

A very personal note

I usually wait until the end of the year to reflect and share all the good and the bad things that has happened. This year, 2011 though....wow. A LOT has happened. I've changed so much that I look in the mirror now and have no clue on who I'm even looking at.

I went from ending things with my husband because I just couldn't handle the pain and stress anymore. I finally was able to get myself together to the point where my health was great, my work was AMAZING and I was looking my best of what I've been physically wise in the past 12 years. I was making new friends and creating awesome connections. I even took in someone/something that I shouldn't...well I shouldn't in the way that it ended up happening.

That is just all the beginning sadly. It went from strong woman GIRL POWER to distraught, lost, pill popping psychopath. Who knew anti-depressants could be an enemy? Well...they are. I put myself in place that I thought I needed them. I thought I was doing the right thing. I made a decision to do something that was against everything that was me. My beliefs, my values, and my heart was broken. It broke me. Add my Serotonin inhibitors with a few Xanax and we had ourselves a complete nightmare.

I'm lucky enough to be medication free now. Been so for about almost two weeks.  The medication didn't help....it made me worse. I'm more in a place now where I will cry randomly at any given moment, but honestly its good to feel that pain. It was help for me to have conversation with someone recently that comforted me in a way. 90 percent of our conversation was pretty much necessary "business", but that other 10 percent reminded me on why they were ever in my life in the first place. This person knows me better then I thought, but realistically they just paid attention. They didn't tower at my "out of controlness" and "Insanity". They at least still understood where I was coming from.

Now that I'm at a clear head state, my reflection is really emotional. I lost a lot this year. In return, I gained something that I didn't think would ever be back in my procession. It will be awhile to move forward with a loss of friend and a few other things, but my heart is being fulfilled a million times a plenty with my ever blossoming relationship/marriage with my husband. You would think that after all we went through, the things that has happened....the people that tried to make it impossible; that we wouldn't be here where we are today.

I always knew I found someone special when I first met my husband. We were inseparable. I've had a lot of relationships prior, but nothing like what we had. We were young yes, but we still knew what LOVE was. We were it. Time of course, plus a million kids, financial woes, family imbalance and the lack of help tore our marriage apart. We both hung our white flags and just gave up. Love or not. Giving up and moving on with our lives brought us back to where it should be. Sometimes you have to lose everything to learn its value. I've learned that lesson. I'm not letting go anymore.

Things of course would be easier to manage if I could erase some things that happened this year. I definitely would like an "Edit" button to fix things the way they should have been. I found someone special this year and now I have to go on my life without them. I don't like it. We didn't make good decisions so any future is tainted. A well respected person, someone that moved me continuously with their view of life, their annoying habits.......every little thing that made me connect with this person I have to put in a garbage bag and throw in the trash to never see, hear, be a part of again. I get really angry at myself for this. Why did I ever act the way that I did? Why did they? What was the purpose of them being apart of EVERYTHING and then be suddenly blocked, ignored, and battered the next and be now NOTHING.........????

This is life though. Every decision, every thought and process and test and trial will always have an outcome. Outcomes come with consequence. Well consequence, you suck.

I really want to be that girl that has her cake and eat it too. Move forward without that "consequence" linger, trouble, and break my family. This is though what I deserve. I may whine and be sad, but look at me. I'm really on the highest platform that I ever could be. Every day that was miserable with my husband I would beg God that he would stop being such a jerk. Go back to being the person I fell in love with to begin with. Well guess what? God listened. Not only did he listen, he gave me more than expected. With everything that has happened, knowing unfortunately every explicit detail, I have what I've wanted all these years. I will be forever grateful for that.

I know when he comes home in two days, he will read this blog. He knows what I'm battling. He even understands why its a battle to begin with. Its just sometimes hard to believe because I really I rang him through the shitter. I wasn't the best I could be. I won't ever deny that. I put myself into positions that I shouldn't. A good percent though of all that was because of this year. Because of everything that has happened, I was broken. I was lost. I was devastated in myself to the point where I thought every hour was cycled around pills to make me function. I wasn't me in any sense. He has seen that and unbelievably accepted it.

A lot of people have heard bits and pieces of what has happened. No one will ever know really I guess what did. It will be okay though. Why? Because I may not see ME yet fully in a mirror doesn't mean I'm still not here. I am. My voice is still here in strong. My heart is full and slightly battered. My strength is growing and it will not falter. My hope is promising and not failing. One day I know everything will be okay in every way again. One day I will no longer battle internally over certain things, people, and decisions.

So, this year has sucked but yet been great. I'm finding my way to where I should be. Things are different now. A LOT different. That was the purpose of everything though.....right?

Every Day is September 11th

I'm a little pissed at myself for not even getting it all out to begin with. I've been sitting here talking up a storm with numerous people today about tomorrow and its meaning. I still remain the same with stating that it is a day to remember the fallen. Its still a day to appreciate where we are today. I didn't go into too much of this but I did say that EVERYDAY should be appreciated and remembered for what it is. Not just because it happens to be an Anniversary for something that happened.

Sitting here between my football games I see all these things about what people are doing tomorrow. All the TV specials, the speeches, How they are making there day mean something. Its great to do...but why can't people do that everyday? These family's that are now empty of people daily are reminded of their losses. Everyone else just looks at the Calendar to make that day be something more. Now how does that make sense?

Me personally, I look up at the sky quite frequently. I still remember the feeling of silence in the air. I remember the feelings I felt that day and all the crap I had to deal with when I was expected to go back to work and be another member of corporate society. Dealing with again people taking advantage of any situation possible to get something out of it. Its so frustrating. There are so many bad people in the world and bad things still happen. Did you know statistically the crime rate for September 11th since 2001 has been drastically depleted to almost nothing? People still fuck up, but not on September 11th. Why is it that people only come together when NBC says its an Anniversary and Pauly from Jersey Shore says too? Basically, I still remember my colleague and his family and his daughter quite frequently, not because a calendar reminds me of it. I see firefighters and can be emotionally overwhelmed just because of knowing what they do, what they can do, and what they did. I guess its kinda good I don't work at a Trauma Facility anymore. I used to work with the firefighters quite a bit for dealing with well...trauma patients. I've met people over the years that shared with me their story and what they do to change because of what happened and that is now instilled in my heart as well. As I said, I don't just see a firefighter anymore. I see the person that they are, that they are capable of and the people that were just like them. I always appreciated the military, but actually knowing quite a few now more personally and dealing with everything that we have, its a whole different feeling to see that uniform. I'm that person in a grocery store or at a mall and I see a soldier and I will just go up to them and shake their hand and say "Thank you". I don't expect anything else....I just do that. I just Value them. My brother in-law is dedicated a life to the air-force. My father dedicated time to the Air force. Friends of mine are serving. There is just more meaning behind what people do. Taking just one day to say thank you to those that are firefighters, police officers and our military just isn't right. Wake the the fuck up and appreciate what others do. Appreciate all that has happen for you to have the life that you have now. It comes from things that our history as American's have been challenged with. Don't make a calendar say when to think of Pearl Harbor and the people lost that day. Don't make a calendar remind you of when a person just ran into a burning building to save someone in it. Don't make a calendar say for you to do anything differently...well make sure you take your trash out on trash day.

No matter what every year I will always do the same. Its my daughter's birthday. I will always pay tribute to her as I will every day of her life. Why? Because I value her.  I value also to see a plane in the sky....I can walk in the buildings downtown and feel okay to be on the 25th floor. ...I can get on a plane (with Xanax) and when I light candles for prayers for others, I still think not only of people I hold close, but of others I don't even know. That's just me though. Not everyone else does.

I just wanted to I guess to feed off of what I wrote earlier. Yes, please make some sort of tribute to remember. Even its just 5 seconds of silence or opening a door for a stranger. The biggest picture I just want everyone to know is that don't make an Anniversary make you a better person for just one day, be that everyday. Remember what happened...appreciate all fallen heroes and the ones lacing up their boots for today. Value being an American and everything that comes with it.

September 11th, 2011

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Tomorrow is a powerful day. Its not just a day on a Calendar. Its not just going to be Sunday. It has a lot of labels and a lot of meanings. September 11th is day American's hold close. Its a day that reminded us that we are not always protected on our soil. Devastation to undeserving.  Its a reminder of special people that gave their all. It's a reminder of one less person at Christmas, in your office or in your network.

Personally everyday should hold a value and respect. We are given our lives to make a difference and prove worthy of ourselves. Being kind and appreciated of opportunities, social statures, financial status, friends and family. We make up a society of all races and religious beliefs. We stand in a line of brother's and sister's to hold it together when it counts. We are a nation without failure. We do stand strong and proud of where we come from. We cry when we are hurt, but we get up and dust ourselves off and stand up for ourselves. Our military are still fighting and protecting for us. Our security alerts and precautions are heightened. Our interpretations and even sometimes decision making process are changed. We as a whole are changed because of one day.

Tomorrow I will be honoring all lost and their families that are empty. My candle will be lit and my flag will hang high. I will look at the sky and be thankful for what I have today, tomorrow and yesterday. I will look in the eyes of my oldest daughter who will be 11 years old tomorrow. Its a little difficult to find in myself sometimes every year on this day to smile and to be in celebratory spirits. My daughter didn't deserve her first birthday to be of devastation....nor did what even happened to begin with. It is what it is. Its a day to celebrate her life and to honor the death. Its a remembrance of my fellow colleague and his at the time 3 year old daughter that lost their lives in the plane that hit tower two that we as a nation watched on television together. Its a remembrance to an Uncle of a friend that was never found after he went back in and out of the towers to save the lives of others because it was his job as a firefighter to do. Its more then just a day.

So what will you do tomorrow, this September 11th? After Mass in the morning, my family and I will be stopping at our local fire department for support and then off to get Kymberly's ear pierced. My candle will burn as I said all day, my prayers and thoughts will not even halt, and I will have birthday cake. So again...I ask: What will you do?

Whats love got to do with it?

I find it very interesting the lack of respect for the word love. Its not just an adjective to describe your favorite food or just something to say to keep someone close. Its a life changing word. You use it and there is no coming back from it. You say that to a person it and it will forever be engraved in their heart as within your own.
I love my family. I love my kids, my husband, my parents......even everyone else in my bloodline. I love my friends, I love certain foods, and I especially love certain alcoholic beverages! ;) But is this all the same meaning? Yes and No.

I recently requested feedback via facebook and twitter. I wanted to see how everyone else viewed this word. I didn't get too much of a response but enough to see that everyone thinks of it differently. So what do we do with that? What if the person you commit that word to, defines it completely opposite of what your intended meaning for it? What do you do with that?

There really isn't anything that you can truly do. Just refreshing the feeling of word so the other person can truly feel it. It is a feeling. Its a respect. Its a fact that you chose them for that word and you should forever honor that.

Now here is a song that truly instills the pain that person could feel if the word is used loosely or without meaning. I'm sure you have heard it. Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts. Pretty much every lyric is powerful....but I'm just going to quote just a bit:

"I learned to live half alive"
"And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wishI had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises"

Okay...ya, it was just a small bit but I think the most important. "You learn to live half alive". What does that mean? Well, when you express love to someone then you fill a part of their heart that you didn't know that needed to be filled. When you go away, that place is forever empty. Yes, a person can move forward and find love again but there will always be that empty spot. It can never be repaired. So you leave a scar. It goes into the other verse I selected. People hold onto certain moments that make that change for them. Whether it was the first kiss or just a moment that increased the value of the word shared between another. Its always those moments that a person tries to forget to think that they can be okay enough to move forward. The thing that sucks the most is that unless you get a brain injury, it will always be there. Love changes you. For the good and for the bad.

So going back to where love is meant the same for both friends and family and food and what not. It maybe a little different to say to someone that I love you as much as I love cake. Well......how much do you love cake? Does it excite you when you eat it? Does that person excite you when your around them? See...it could mean the same....but the power to a person of saying that just wouldn't be the best thing to say.....but do you get my meaning?

There are people that have come and gone in my life over the years. Some I chose to walk away from and some I haven't. The pain for all of them is still the same. I cared for them in one way or another and letting that go is hard. Call it separation anxiety if you want. To me though, I did truly care enough to the point that they changed me so much that they left a scar or imprint on my heart and my life. I do not use the word loosely. It always has values. I just wish people that I do share this with would know that. Would feel that. When you go away, you change me. So please know that.

Branding ;)

Can I just say, I am overly excited about Monday. Monday means my house will FINALLY be empty again. Its the first day of school!!! Today I will be heading out with all the kiddos to go get the last few things we need. I really wish Joe was home from work already so I could have some help but looks like I have to do this on my own.
The kids are growing up and I'm loving and hating it all at the same time. Kymberly is already begging for a cell phone because apparently all the kids her age already have one. Crazy huh? I mean she is about to turn 11 on Sept. 11th. How on earth does it make sense for an eleven year old to have a cell phone? Ya I had a pager when I was 15 but I had a job too and I paid for the damn thing.
I guess its a good thing that my choice of career will always be able to financial support my family but damn.....things are starting to get expensive! Thank heavens for thrift stores though. God I love them. Yea...they freak me out a little bit. The clothes are dirty and everyone that pretty much works there just got out of prison so its pretty intimidating. Plus I hate it that they staple the price tags on the clothes. So annoying to prep all the clothes I end up finding for the washer. But hey....I can pretty much get entire wardrobes for all five of my kids for under a 100 bucks when I go. Its all name brand too. Who cares if the shit is last season? If your wearing Abercrombie and Fitch then my daughter is happy. As am I! ;) I'm a brand whore...I will admit. I like nice things and it has to have a decent label. This word revolves around appearance and money so you gotta look good. That doesn't make exceptions for kids either.
So today like I said, we are off to do some shopping. I'm hoping that Target and Kohl's will help me complete everything I need to get done today with minimal complaining and tantrums from the kiddos.
I just can't wait for tonight to snuggle up with my husband. I hate that he's gone so much but hey....he's got an awesome job that pays beyond Excellent. Gotta be happy for that.

Friends = Pain

I've been through a lot. May have not always handled it all well at times but I came through it eventually. Just when I think I finally have the right balance in things, something happens. I can't figure it out. I guess its just my life pattern. Gotta have more lows than highs in my life I guess.

I meet people, bring them in my lives.......I share my world with them. Then something happens. Usually out of nowhere and then its over. I'm so sick of losing people this way. It almost makes me just not want to even put myself out there anymore. I know I can be complicated and stubborn. Sometimes people just can't handle it. Its not like I'm hiding that part of myself at first so why out of nowhere can it be bothersome?

I just got hit with a curve ball. Definitely something I didn't expect. Looks like this will only end if I actually do something. Make people pay for their actions. I'm no longer going to allow people to hurt me. Its not happening. I'm sick of it. Its really sad too. I think I find good people to share my life with. Share myself with....and then I get pushed away. I can definitely say I'm done with that. Nobody else new. No more friends. I can not ever trust anyone else again.

I may wait the weekend to see if they slept off their actions and finally get their head straight and would like to talk. I really hope that is the case. The last thing I want is to outwardly cause pain to another. I'd rather handle things like normal people do. So we will have to just wait and see. I will blog specifically what I'm talking about probably on Monday....dependent on this person's choices.

So that is that for now. I'm going to go back to drinking and maybe some more crying and then punching things. Gotta love life.

<-------I'm with stupid.

People make mistakes all the time. Its human nature too. The biggest lesson in life is to not make the same mistakes again. Another thing we constantly do is stupid things. It correlates with our mistakes as well but its a little different.
When you actually sit back and think about something before you say or do, you may think to yourself for a second that, "This is stupid".......but then you do it anyways. Pretty much with the way cause and effect works, you do a stupid thing:You get stupid and/or negative results. So why in the hell do we do it? I really wish I knew.
On average I probably at least do something stupid at least twice a day. Sometimes I think about it and still do it and then there are times I just do it and think about it while I'm doing it. I did a really stupid thing today and since I did, I ended up in tears. So even though I knew it was dumb, I did it anyways and nothing positive came out of it. Just a remembrance of pain I've been trying to get over and the anger I was almost at the point of letting go from. I know I'm an idiot now, but why couldn't I have saved myself from all that?
Thank you human nature for just our natural choice to seek responses from everything that provides a situation of cause and effect. I just wish it was more fairytale like......for instance; opening my purse and finding a thousand dollars in there or going into my garage and new car appeared everyday. See...doesn't that sound better?

Still here, but not there.......

I'm probably not going to have that many readers anymore. It sucks...but at least I know I still have a place to vent and share. I deleted my facebook. I was just done with it. Nothing really good has come from it. Yes, I was able to reconnect with people that I haven't seen or heard from in years. Its nice to see their families and to see how much everyone has changed. That great part of it though was always out weighed to someone questioning what I'm saying or even doing.
Its pretty bad that I always had to provide a disclaimer for anything I said, but even still it didn't work. My family calls me up or texts me whats wrong or just start private conversations behind my back. Its easy to say that it is what it is and to fuck all of them, but sometimes it just isn't.
I get that I can be a person that could be hard to understand. I don't even understand myself sometimes. I'm just another person like you just trying to find their place in this world. I have hardships, personal drama, personal highs just like everyone else. I'm just no longer going to respond to the negativity that is brought up because someone doesn't understand the place that I'm coming from.
You don't like what I have to say, then don't listen or read. I need a place for me to just let things out and to not be questioned about it. I also love writing and helping others with some insight that I do have in the world. I don't mind being entertainment for some, but me being the laugh of everyone's jokes its not where I want to be.
So what are you going to get when you come to my blog? Just me. You have questions, ask them! There is a topic you want my insight on? Tell me! I would love to provide anything to my readers. You'll be helping me while I'm helping you.
Its best for you to become a follower so you can stay up to speed on whats going so please do so. I don't want my friends to be gone because my facebook is. I hope to still see you. ;)

Much love to all of you and thank you to those that will support me on my upcoming journey. It would be awesome if you could share this on your facebook so people I may not have connections to at the moment that I once did can find where I am. Thanks!!

Hate

Oh Twitter and your randomness. Here I am supposed to be doing schoolwork, but yet come across something that I of course need to make my opinion know about. I'm going to try to make this quick but lets see what comes out.

So I saw on twitter from a person that I'm following saying that, "To truly hate someone, you had to have loved them at one point.". Okay....so lets argue this just a bit.

My personal opinion is Hate is one of the most powerful words to use. It has more meaning sometimes then people give credit for. You have to have done something really bad to get that word to be labeled at you from me. My list is a small one. People on it really truly deserves the word.

So here is an argument to the statement. I HATE Osama Bin Laden. Like truly hate. Now why in the hell would I ever love this man? See...false statement.

I've been personally done wrong by many people. Friends and Family even. I've disliked them to the point where it was close to hating them, but because I actually did care for them....they didn't get the "hate" label. I almost want to go back to one of my last blogs I wrote about Psychology and "certain" people. People do things that we just don't understand sometimes. Should we hate them for it? Why can't it just be disliked?

I think its harder to hate someone that you actually truly cared for and/or loved. People need to stop using these words so loosely. I'm meaning that for both Love and Hate.

Most of the people on my list that I hate, I never loved. I never cared for. Didn't even have a relationship of any sorts of them. I just knew them from what they did. There are only two people on my list that I actually knew, engaged in and allowed to be apart of my life at some point. They are the people that I wouldn't bat an eye if something horrible happened to them or Karma finally found them. Shit...I would grab some popcorn and watch.

So to the Twitter of that comment...I have to disagree with your statement. Unless you have another meaning then what everyone else has for the word Hate, your kinda out numbered.

Psychology and "Certain" people

I've usually been pretty good at reading people and figuring out what kind of person they are. I've also been pretty good on not allowing pretty much anyone get a good read on me. Whenever I actually truly let my guard down and let someone in, I get hurt in the end. Its a never ending cycle.
You can't pick your family but you can choose your friends. Sometimes you have to sell yourself to others to show that your worth a friendship. It works sometimes, but if they are too naive to see it, then they get to miss out.
I used to study psychology because it really truly interested me on how people act the way that they do. That along with socialism you can get a lot from a person in just one conversation. Its neat to see once you understand what your looking at on how everyone is truly different. How our brains deflect different outcomes in same situations. There also those moments still that I can't figure out why people act the way they do or say the things that they say. Especially when I did get a chance to know a little bit about them and then their actions speak differently then what I originally thought. Its frustrating....especially when their actions are hurting me.

I know I'm a good person. I've done a lot of dumb things in my life but I still have value. I still have faith and I have a big heart. When someone that actually got to see those things of me and then neglects those attributes and lies to everyone around them, then I don't get it. I don't understand the psychology of it. I tried to. I looked up everything I possible could in my past studies. I found nothing. The last thing I want to do is just characterize this person to just be plain horrible but at this point its all I got. I got screwed over in more ways then one, treated like a psychopath, left with positive test results that I had to deal with on my own along with the tornado of chaos that cascaded throughout my family. All from one person. One person that I cared for and let my guard down with, did all of this. Before I would say I would take mutual responsibility for certain actions. Now I'm looking at it as 1/3.

I'm probably not making any sense to you all. Unless you know the whole story it wouldn't make sense and I'm not going to get in all the details because well I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm done being hurt. I'm done being confused and I'm definitely done being attacked by people that are walking around with lies in their head because their best friend even admitted to me that he was incapable of telling them the truth.

So I'm not going to always understand everything. I'm not always going to have an answer to every question. I get it. I truly do. I'm just trying to move forward but yet a handful of people just won't allow it.

I'm in a good place now. My heart is back to where its supposed to be. My head is getting there. I'm moving forward whether you like it or not. Karma does show its ugly head for those that pester so just remember that "The three amigos."

Drug Seller Dreams

For once I can actually sit here and say things are not going completely horrible.....so that's a plus. Things are not at their best but that is all changing. Each day there is something different to achieve so there isn't anything slowing me down.
I knew I always wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to have more of a purpose than to just be a mother. Not that it is a bad thing to be a mother. So please don't take it like that. I love my kids. More than you all would ever know. I just feel that in order for me to be the best mother I can be is to show my kids that you should never give up on your dream no matter what is thrown your way throughout life. Have a goal and stick with it. ALWAYS follow through and you will get there one day.
I may still be on my journey but it took me awhile to formulate my game plan. I'm still adjusting it here and there but its pretty solid. When I first started working in Pharmacy, I knew I fell in love. I love the drugs, the formulations, the math, the chemistry, the involvement of saving a life and/or making a difference for a patient. Its an awesome feeling to be apart of something that I love and get paid to do it. I've progressed over the years with numerous certifications, licenses and boards to hit now the highest point I could reach as a Pharmaceutical Specialist. Its time for a lateral move to get my foot in the door with a Pharmaceutical company to later be apart of product development and consultation. Unfortunately I have to go the route of Sales first...which isn't really a bad thing. Legally selling drugs for a living? My sheriff of a Mother will get a kick out that...haha. Plus the pay grade isn't bad at all. Sure, give me a company car and six figure income with multiple bonuses a year. That's cool. ;) Who knows, I may love that too and stay with that....but still my heart goes to the research and development. I have to add some more school under my belt but that's okay. If that means I would be a scientist for the top pharmaceutical company in the world then hell yes! That's my dream and my goal. Its going to happen. I'll prove it to you.

The Queef

Okay..here is an interesting topic. Embarrassing shit happens all the time. The last thing we want is one less thing to worry about when we are having sex with someone. We are already freaked out by how we look naked.....Guys are hoping they are big enough...girls are hoping they are small enough. So lets add another thing. You know about it. It may even make you laugh your ass off like it does me So what the hell am I talking about? The Queef. Thats right....the Queef. 

But you know something? Guys can't do it....so they are freaked out by it, which on the other hand makes us girls feel even weirder about it. So what do you do if it happens? How do you not lose that awesome sexiness that got you all naked in the first place?

So I'm a little different maybe from other people, but I actually know when its going to happen. It happens when your switching positions a lot....mostly from a long period of the doggy to the missionary. I personally can do this little wiggle to adjust my hips and balance out that pressure that is going on before he re-enters.


But sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it, and I can't get control of it, and it's unstoppable and seemingly goes on forever. And then when I think it's stopped, some more squeaks out. I know in my head that it's stupid to be embarrassed about it, but when you're fucking someone for the first time, and your vagina is performing a symphony, it's kinda hard to not cringe with your whole being.

Laughing is always the best medicine...it actually may make the sound effects even louder but oh well. Its a natural occurrence that really means the guy did a pretty damn good job. If you ignore it...things get awkward...you don't want to lose your evening or worse...like round two.

Yuengling

Its been officialized. Yuengling has a designated distributer for Columbus, OH. I knew that Hill Distributing Company wanted it bad. Superior Beverage wanted it too. The best got it though and we all know who that is. Columbus Distributing will now be housing my favorite beer in the world and I can't wait. They are still looking at an October release for it to be on store shelves so its definitely exciting.

Yuengling wasn't introduced to me until about 4 years ago. When it was though...boy did it hit the spot! I actually never really was a beer drinker until I started with Yuengling. The bad thing about loving this beer was that it wasn't available in Ohio. So we were stuck with the point of making field trips out of state to stock up on our favorite brew. Its lead to a lot of good times and awesome as a Christmas present but now it will be right down the road for me to get. I will never go through withdrawl and craving fixes and have to drive 3 hours for a fix. Its definitely a good thing for sure.

As far as I am aware for the whole state of Ohio, Yuengling combined only with those that distributed Budweiser products. So for us in Columbus, Columbus Distributing will take of us and then I think its Majestic for up North. Either way they did good with their selection process. Yuengling stuck with a great company to work with to sell this delicious brew. A union based and team oriented company should get the honor, so I'm thrilled that they did.

So this football season...that is if I'm still in Ohio, I will always be enjoying Yuengling and I won't have to go far to get it. The is not just good news.....ITS GREAT! ;)

Not Guilty

So....a big verdict was read today. My boss actually pulled me aside to sit and watch it. Lately anymore I really don't watch the television because I really don't have time for it nor do I care to see how many shootings or robberies or just all around dumb stuff going on. Give me a weather report and traffic and I'm good to go. If I need info then I have twitter or I can google or catch something interesting on CNN. So I have heard of the case in question...heard the gruesome story how a little girl lost her life.....now I get to hear and see how much people are mortified that a verdict of not guilty was read.
Me personally, I don't know if this woman did it. I didn't spend my free time following around CSI detectives or have weekly phone chats with the family. A little girl died and someone did it.
Everyday there is a court session or trial that gets thrown out because of the laws we have in place to protect us. We are sitting at a view point that really nobody for sure knows what happened exactly or it would have been presented in this trial. So sorry to say it but shut up already.
Pray for this little girl, pray that the killer will be brought to justice....but quit bitching about the laws we instilled to keep bad people in jail and good ones out. Did the system fail? Maybe...but that court case couldn't prove that this mother for sure beyond unreasonable doubt killed her. Case closed.
I'm a mother. I can't imagine anything happening to my children and the thought of knowing that parents kill their kids is just disgusting. I still remember one night I was watching the news and a story was being a released that a mother drowned her kids in a bath tub because Satan or God told her to. I got up and ran to the bathroom and puked. It's horrible. It breaks my heart. Children are the most precious gifts in life and A LOT of people take advantage of it.
We can't do anything about this verdict. Complaining about it or our judicial system isn't going to get you anywhere either. Trust me. I've been fighting with Senators and Governors for years now advocating for my child and other kids and just can't win.

So if you know something the judge and these jury members and of course the media doesn't know? ......then spill it. Otherwise mourn that little girl. Hold your kids close. Look out for other kids so they have extra eyes to keep them safe. That's what you can do.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Goals and Challenges

So what challenges you? Is it just that you want to go after something you want? Is it an actual thing that you instilled in your head, or is it that someone said you can't do it...so by golly your just have to?

Challenges are faced whether or not you created them yourself. Its another fun thing apart of life that we deal with on a daily basis. My challenge today is to get enough energy to put some make-up on and go to the store....on a holiday weekend. That's a big challenge! Right now the only motivation I have is that fact that we have no milk. We have beer...but no milk. At least we have the beer right?

Often when people are faced with difficult or stressful situations, they’re left wondering how to deal with them. Sometimes the negative emotions from these situations can feel overwhelming, and solutions seem elusive. However, the challenging situations we face in life are often the ones that offer us the greatest opportunity for personal growth. Even though the question of how to deal with the challenges we face doesn’t always have a simple or easy answer, looking honestly at our situations, experiencing the emotions they bring up, and searching within ourselves for the answers can bring often-surprising positive outcomes.

So make a list. Make it your Challenge list or just plain and simple goals. Set a time frame too to complete them. Mark each thing off when you complete it. Seeing the results will be more uplifting then what you will think. So, you have a list that includes to take out the trash. You did it. You checked it off your list. Guess what? You accomplished something! Whether or not you do a million things a day or just one or two, just do something. challenge yourself. Be goal orientated. Believe it or not it will boost your ego and self esteem and may put in in better situations that you never thought you would be in just because you productive and being a go-getter. 

So its a holiday weekend. Did you mow the lawn? Did you go to the store? Did you go out of your way to pay it forward to someone today? Well looks like you have a lot to do today....as do I.

Enjoy your Holiday weekend and be safe! Best wishes as always. ;)

Social Media

I'm starting to question the life patterns of those that get wrapped up in social media. You set yourself up, you put your whole life out there for everyone to see and read and to be involved in your life whether or not they are even physically even able to be.

The outlet of course is good to reconnect with friends you haven't talked to you or seen in a very long time. Its even helpful to be able to stay in touch with friends and family that may live across the world from you. Facebook is an opportunity to do real time with status's and photos. You get to be involved and in touch.

Then you have a negative side to it. Somebody may come across someone that they thought was cute and was following them to see that things have been pretty shitty in their life and it looks like a chance to get involved. Next thing you know people are cheating on their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses because someone saw that someone was in need of attention. It happens daily.

The next thing you know, there is drama, friends lists are depleting...your being blocked by people that have no reason to.....its just a hot mess. Then these people get a kick of defamation of character all over the internet.  Its not a good spot to be in...but being on, Facebook, Myspace, LinkIN, Google+, FourSquare, Untappd.com, and Twitter, you put yourself in that position.

You need to think before you speak...watch what you say and post because if you piss one person off then the whole world will know about it before you even do. Sometimes things happen with only with a certain intention but another person will look at it differently and blow it out of proportion.  I say this because I recently set up a LinkIN account. I'm trying to move across the US to Colorado for work and I wanted my resume and my connections to help me. Well.....it decided to send notifications to EVERYONE that I ever had in my Google mail account so now quite a few people got an invite that I really didn't want to. Especially one person...which of course threw a hissy fit and is now blasting "I'm creepy". Geez...you can't win you know? This same person of course started calling around notifying people that I like his media site on facebook.....only did because I needed a name from it. I can give two shits about this person's website let alone the person but no...he has to go around saying I'm a stalker or what not.

Its hard to get rid of people when you have allowed them at one point of your life to be involved in it. You have to watch what you say or they will post something about you....or hell let loose some pictures and videos to embarrass you. So needless to say.....people just suck. When it comes down to it, everyone is only out for themselves. You kinda have to be.

Now in closing.....anyone want to send me a google+ invite that they may have extra? I have some invites to some other sites that are not released to the public yet for trade. ;)

Maybe I shouldn't close just yet. Here is a lesson: Love Social Media. Its a great way to connect, be connected and get your name out there in ways that can impact a lot of people. You have something to offer, then deliver it....positively. Just be fair warned that there will always be someone out to defame you and you just have to be prepared for that. 

Beyond Devastated

So...this blog really isn't supposed to be for me being upset...its about my future and whats going to be great in it. Today though just didn't give me a happy face. Instead I'm filled with devastation, loss of control, and sadness.
I mentioned before that the State of Ohio has decided to make cuts to mental health funding. Well last night everything that was going to be cut became officiated by good old Governor Kasich. I was called from work today to go to an emergency meeting at my daughter's school. I was hoping that the news wasn't going to be horrible.....but unfortunately it was.
I guess maybe it could have been worse, especially since a lot is still up in the air on what is going on, but here is a list of things that happened today that is affecting my daughter and every other autistic or mentally disabled child in the state of Ohio along with what is happening to Step by Step Academy.
*They officially started with a CAP of 104  hours that the state will cover. It used to be unlimited. 104 hours is granted only per year. This is basically a month of service at Zoey's school. Everything else will have to be out of pocket.
If things don't go good with this prior authorization CAP, then the school will shut down. I'm still not sure how they are even still open with everything...but basically right now we have a month left. After that, services will be covered for 100% for an hour and then only at 50% after....so then that has to be paid out of pocket from the consumers. This is for those that are on the Autism Scholarship to use. Which Zoey does have....for now. They maybe eliminating that too.
40 people were layed off today. The facilities department that included 4 employees was layed off. The whole entire research department was layed off. All the receptionists were also let go....plus an additional 12 people that were floaters for all mental health crisis buildings were let go.
Occupational therapy and speech therapy have been eliminated along with the staff that provided those services. Oh yea...and Transportation too. 2/3 of the cuts were in the clinical department at Step by Step with 1/3 administrative.
So right now I'm sitting here wondering how I can get to Colorado or somewhere else so Zoey won't be delayed or denied anymore services. I'm so sick and tired of trying to explain to people the purpose of ABA therapy and how it changes these kids. Public school systems are incapable of providing everything that an Autistic child needs. They proved that when I did let Zoey go for the two months she was there. My daughter's future was basically cut to nothing in the state of Ohio because of signature made last night. There is nothing we can do to change it.
I had to say goodbye to someone today that was one of the first people that welcomed me to that school when I was looking for something better for my child. I knew she lost her job before she did. It was just horrible. All these kids, not just mine are being affected. These family's that are now on job hunts because they lost their job because of funding. The school is on the verge of shutting down.....which is horrible. This school has changed so much for all the kids that have been attending. They are making it possible that one day the kids maybe able to be full functioning adults. The care, the medical treatment, all the the therapies that they do are now being cut to nothing. Its not fair. It truly isn't.
I will always do everything in my power to protect my kids and give them the future they deserve. Ohio has just proved that I can not do that here.

Clearing the head

So I figured the best way to clear my head before taking a big test was to well...do this. So Hi. In about an hour I will be taking a license exam to officially sell pharmaceuticals. Kinda a big deal. Need this for my move. My new transition and hopefully new job. I'm beyond determined on what I want career wise. Super stoked about it too. I always tell people that even if I was rich or was a big lottery winner, I would still work. I love Pharmacy that much. I love what I'm apart of. How many people can say that about their jobs? Not many. Luckily in my field there is always opportunity. Its just getting in the right company and working with the right drugs. Right now I just want in any pharmaceutical company and will consult on any drug they assign. I will be picky though one day. Just not in a position to yet. So if its Viagra I have to promote....okay. I will make sure there will be happy Penis's everywhere damn it!

Great...now I have writer's block. Well...I guess that's it for now. Not really anything to bitch about. I'll let you know about my test and well my big move. Peace out!

Oh...and if you ever have a topic that you might want my input on or perspective, just email me or send an anonymous comment on something. :)

Shake your money makers

Anyone watch the Miss America pageant last night? I didn't. I didn't even know it was on until this really funny chick I follow on Twitter was of course providing a very intriguing commentary.
Our society no matter what is surrounded by image. Whether its your looks, your ethical standing, or how much your got in your trunk...wait, I meant bank account. Every now and again your intelligence may help you move forward in life, but if your without common sense your kinda going to be at a stand still.
Since I went back to being a brunette, I've actually been taken a bit more seriously vs. when I was sporting the Blondie strands. I do lack common sense, poor grammar occasionally as you all know, but I think its safe to say I'm not an idiot. I just have my moments and at least I'm aware of it. I'm good at what I do career wise, I can talk my way almost through pretty much anything.....and it does help that I can cry on cue. I'm lucky enough to have some additional assets to help me along the way with making connections but right now I'm at my stand still.
So its only been one week that I've been trying to gain employment/internship in Colorado. No hits...not one. So, I guess it comes down to a cover-letter. Have to sell myself without using my eyes, cleavage or my great taste in shoes. I've already asked others for ideas on my cover-letter...but really haven't gotten good advice yet.
I've even been doing some reading that people actually add a photo to their resume. Really? Weird...or is it? Prospective employers get to read about you, talk to you, why not see who they are talking to? It makes sense to a point, except if you have someone just hiring you based on your looks then that isn't cool. Well...depends on the pay-scale. hahaha.
Any ideas???

Hi

Hey again friends! So here we go. I need my place to share my thoughts. This time things are MUCH different. I'm no longer lost in my head nor my heart. I know what I want and I'm more driven then ever.

My family is my core. My husband Joe is my backbone again. My kids are my life. My passions are still the same just enhanced. My tolerance for ignorance is non-existence. Your going to still hear me complain every now and again about the way things are.....but that should always be expected. I'm looking to share my life but with more happier notes.

I will not let my past hold me back. My blunders and poor decision making has lead me to deal with a lot of consequences but it has not faltered me. I've made some new friends, lost some, and even lost family.....but it just goes to show who counts when things get ugly. It is true in the saying that you know who counts in your life when something dramatic happens and they are still there holding your hand. Their not backing away no matter what the situation is.

Changes are coming. Its not just this new blog with a new name...but BIG changes. Due to the lack of support of our piece of shit Ohio Governor, the future of my mentally disabled child is being budgeted cut to nothing. This has lead to moving. Not just out of county....out of the damn state. We are looking at Colorado Springs, CO. Everything about that place is more appealing to my family's future with a fantastic background. The area is filled with magnificent beauty and the job market especially in my field is thriving. Oh..and get this: When you have private health care out there, they cover Autism. No more pinching pennies to make sure you stay under the Ohio guidelines to get Mental Health Assistance. You can actually enjoy thriving in your career and still have your child's needs met.

I have three reasons to move to Colorado and these will never change. There are in this order: 1. Zoey. Having no more disruptions in her future because of her disability. 2. Pharmacy heaven. 3. Fresh Start.
There is no doubt in my mind that I will be missing my friends and family. All I've ever known was Ohio. Here I am...born and raised. I've changed counties and gone on vacations...but that's pretty much it. Ohio will always be my home, but we are all destined for a different future. I have to look out for whats best for my family and its just no longer Ohio. Thanks to the government for that.

I don't know yet when the move will take place. Ideally, if my house is sold and I have a job in CO before school starts this fall then that's awesome. But this may take longer then expected. Only time will tell. No matter what though, its happening and I'm beyond excited about it!