48 hours......

I love how people can be so obsessed with someone else's life, like it their Lifetime movie fix. Those of you that are thinking that your sly by going around asking people what is going on with me....your not very good at it. Besides, you go and ask a person that doesn't particularly care too much for me to begin with so I'm sure your getting solid responses. We are all adults here. I've send then eleventy times to come to me if your curious. Besides, I pretty much get straight to the nitty gritty all the time....hence me always being in trouble or depressed.

Things right now in my life are so unbalanced that I'm not even sure how to get it together. I have some ideas but carrying them out is the hard part. Knowing you disappointed the people you hold to the highest value kinda makes you feel like your world ends. At least that is how it is for me. I even attempted to make my world end and it didn't work. Yes I said it. Yes I tried. I failed...but for good reason. I don't need to be reminded about how much I do have in life that I value. Five amazing kids that honestly should have been in my state of mind last night but they weren't because of how down I was. I work up this morning crying and not wanting them to even go to school because there I was being selfish and about lost the most important things to me.

In case you all are curious, I am on meds and I go to therapy and I did contact my doc with that horrible episode. We evolved a plan to get me better. So I'm on that path. I'm sharing this with you because you can't always judge a book by its cover. People can fake smile their way through life and you will never know their demons. Sometimes you need to know them, that is if you really truly care. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. Even people that stand strong one day....may fall the next.

All I want in life is to be happy. Finding my place and where I belong. To feel wanted and desired. Not picked and poked at like I can't do anything right.

So plans are coming and being carried out. I'm dealing with my relationship with my husband the best that I can....some days are easier than others. I'm working on myself from the inside out so I can just feel good every once in awhile. My job search is coming to a close. I have multiple positions that I'm just waiting on a start date....then I get to be the one on deciding which one to take. I'm hoping to be traveling all over the US. That's the one I really want. Even though its contract; the people already love me and I love the idea of running away for a bit. When your in such a controlled environment you need a break from that or you will turn crazy like I am.

So as thing to share besides all the negative, I have some positive things too.
My daughter Zoey can read pretty much anything you put in front of her. This girl is amazing everyday...Autism may be her diagnosis but it isn't her world or knocking her down.
Paisley my youngest amazes me as well. Her vocabulary and the things that come out her mouth will completely knock your socks off. She was accepted into preschool where I know she will thrive. Just waiting to make some adjustments so she can start.
Gavin is still as cute as can be. He had his first kiss a little bit ago. He apparently sang a Justin Bieber song to his new girlfriend and she was so excited that she gave him a kiss on the lips. How cute is that??
Kymberly is 12...so this almost a teenager is driving me a little nuts. She acts like she is 17 and reminds me so much of me when I was younger that it scares the shit out of me. She's amazing and loving and so beautiful. I'm one lucky mama. ;)
Now Bradley....wow what a change. He has been called the model student from his teacher at school. He is admit about sticking to directions and will not falter  Hes struggling a bit with reading but every night, just him and I sit and read his "baggy books". Its our time where he tells me three stories every night. Plus I swear, he gives the best hugs.

So that has been the last 48 hours. A lot to take in but full of promise. I'm not perfect and I guess this is the best way to show you I am not. Life is all about the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly right? I promise will never will be selfish again. I never go back on my promises. I need to heal from the past and learn to deal with what is going on now. I had a moment that almost took everything away and I will never let that happen ever again. Things may not be perfect, but realistically....things are good in its own fucked up way.

I'm heading back to schoolwork. I just thought to share. 

Politics Smallatics.......

I really hate all the political nonsense that is going on lately. It only seems like people actually give a shit on what is going on with anything is when its time to vote. People think they can lecture about why you should do this and that every second they feel like it.
I did appreciate a post on Facebook that one of my friends made. He hit the nail right on the spot on how EVERYONE should be looking at this years election. 

Here is what he said, "I am sick of all this political bull already. 20 more days and its over. Everyone has their own opinions on who would make a better president. This election is not about the better candidate. It's about the lesser of 2 evils! Either way we vote we are in trouble!"

Perfect right? Our economy has been shitty. Our current President with four years of office has done some things but not enough. I think they could have done better picking a different representative for the Republican side but those are our options. I would honestly hate to be President of the US because no matter what it is impossible to make everyone happy and everything okay. 

There was a moment on where I was actually undecided until I had a political brawl with my sister in law. You know that whole audio of Romney saying he wasn't going to worry about that certain percentage of people because he knew he couldn't get their vote? Basically after digging around, he is speaking the truth. People have become so dependent on the government's assistance that they don't want someone coming in making changes to that. Unemployment rates are ridiculous. Companies are paying literally nothing to get workers in and people are actually taking it because they can't find anything else.

I myself depend on the government for help with my daughter. Being Autistic doesn't allow private health care to cover her needs so we are put in the position to actually "NEED" the government and that is exactly what Romney said he can not change the viewpoints of that percentage of people. He can't count on those votes so why attempt it? 

I can't wait till the election is over so the TV will stop showing these men constantly spinning situations all over the place and basically badmouthing one another every chance they get.

No matter who is President, we are still screwed. Plain and simple. 

Me against the world

I’ve gone through more than I can chew in the past few years. If it was gum, I think I would have enough to make the empire state building keep hold for a good while. Everything has to be so extreme and dramatic and I’m brusquely just fucking sick of it.

I’m sick of fighting with family. I’m definitely sick of having to explain myself every five seconds. How can a person be an original when there is constant backlash advising how much I suck as person?

Everyone has their quirks. The way they think and the way they do things. Especially when it comes to how they specifically handle situations. I do have moments where I don’t think before I speak or do and those moments usually come back and bite me in the ass. Then again though, I am being me. Why do I have to change so much about myself yet again to appease others? I’m not having it. I answer to only a few people and even then there are certain areas of where there are limits.

I’m not this person that wants to belittle, offend, or even humiliate another. That is not who I am and I’m sick and tired of being characterized as someone that doesn’t give two shits about anyone but me. That is no who I am. Plain and simple.

I’m not perfect by any means. I have a long list of faults and things I wish I could take back but realistically that can’t happen. I do though when I am wrong will confess it. Even when it is not needed I do step forward and take responsibility.

I made a Facebook post yesterday. It said, “Apparently my humor isn’t taken well by others. I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I will watch my tone… to an extent. I can’t help being me. It comes with the personality and the DNA. “

To me….that sums up a lot. There is only two people that really know where those words even originated from but that’s what is great about transparency. I do share a lot. Typically especially when I blog is when you see most of it. I don’t mind being an open book. I hope it actually usually will shut those fun rumors that fly around from people that they think they know everything. Want to know something? Go to the fucking source. Don’t understand something? Ask the person who confused you.

When I first started writing this blog yesterday, the drama has of course added a lot more to what I even expected to exploit. I thought about for a second to see if I should keep it to myself but what really does that do? Just let me walk around in a ball of anger and hurt with no one to talk to? This morning is another example on how my past will never be put aside and quite depicting behavior of me. I always just hoped the best and begged for the one I love most to love me….even when I do screw up. We have come a long way but not long enough. I woke to be calling every name in a book. A whore, a cunt, etc….. Plus I can’t forget the part where his wedding band thrown at my face. All for what?  Because a guy on my stupid twitter account asked if I was married and I responded that I was. My marriage is apparently over because I answered a question. I blocked this guy on twitter yesterday and apparently because he got through my direct messages and my reply caused an “unblock”. Like I fucking know.  Besides, I’m telling the complete stranger that thought it was appropriate to hit on me that I was married? Why is that a bad thing? Am I missing something here?

This is the social media world. Not everyone knows every little quirk and why things happen the way they do. All things happen for a reason though. I’m a firm believer of that. My husband hates me. He is just finding an excuse for it to make sense. I could be wrong….who knows.

I guess this is an end and a beginning. So if you need me…….I will forever be unavailable. The feeling of your heart being broke in a million pieces is the worst feeling in the world. All my fragile strength is gone………………..

Hell: 1 Me: 0