Ring Ding Ding New Year!!!

A few months ago I already did my look back for the year. You pretty much can just go through all the blogs for the year and see how much of an epic failure it was. I started my year out in a very great professional viewpoint. From there though, the highlights were very slim.

We grow from mistakes. How we function after mistakes detects our growth. It can also test what our limits are. There are three "C's" of life. You must make a CHOICE to take a CHANCE or your life will never CHANGE.

I am still that girl that changes her mind of things like a drop of a hat. Believe me I have even been called out for it. Its almost at the point some people may preserve some of the shit I may say as they perceived "the boy who cried wolf". That is how this year has been for me. No one believes my changes or my goals and what I can accomplish as a person. The person at the beginning of the year would had cared if no one was behind her. Now....(switching back to first person) I don't.

Its the end of 2011 and there really isn't much of anything else I can do to even end this year on a good note that is if I don't win the New Years Lottery drawing. It is what it is. Another year has bit the dust and now I'm 30. Fucking bullshit. I don't like being 30. At least when I was 29 I could say I was just another 20 year old where I could still pull the immature shit. 30 means you kinda have no choice to be a grown-up because you can't hide that age.

Oh well. It is what it is yet again. I've shared a lot this year. I lost a lot this year. Things haven't been a perfect world. I know who my true friends are. I know what truly makes a family. I know the feeling of losing everything. I felt sorrow, pain, anger, frustration and whatever adjective you want to throw in here. There are still somethings that are unresolved. I hope one day those things would come to amend....I will not though force upon that anymore. I have to learn to do deal with the fact that I can not fix everything.

Now here is some good stuff. While you are all off doing your whole resolutions and stuff, I will be on my journey to save myself and my family. I have a year to mentally prepare and physically prepare to finally graduate from college and hopefully become selected as an officer in the United States Air Force. I will also be building my resume with opportunities of internships in my field of pharmacology and building a business relationship with the product HcG. Which by the way, I can't wait to do.

I really hope you all had a very enjoyable Christmas. Have fun ringing in the New Year and breaking those resolutions. 2012 will be here soon and I'm looking forward to it. I'm wrapping up the year and hiding it in a box covered with explosives. I never want to think or relive any of it. Bring it 2012! I'm ready!!!

Trusting Unmistakable Love

I watched a movie last night on Netflix called Trust. It was a really screwed up movie that is for sure. As a parent of an 11 year it becomes a lot scarier to let your children go out in the world. You want to protect them. You don't want anything to harm them and you will do anything and everything to keep harm away. The worst thing is that you can't. Unless you lock your kid in their room and never let them see the world, something will happen because life is just like that. It takes the good and the bad to mold people on who they are today. Its your job as a parent to prepare your kids for what to do when the worst comes their way so they themselves can figure out what to do with it.
This movie last night had me terrified and bawling all at the same time. A 14 year-old girl met a guy online that she thought was 16. He pursued her for over two months and some how convinced this poor girl that she was in love with him even after finding out his true age which was I think 35. She met up with him....had sex...then he disappeared. It took awhile for her to even figure out that she was actually taken advantage and raped. She thought she was in a relationship because that is how he made her feel. He had the power to over take this girl's mind to think that what has happened was choice, not rape and that they were in love. Its overall terrifying. Its sickening.
One thing though I want to hit on is how men have the capability to make us girls think that we are in a relationship. Think its love. Think it truly is meant to be and to be soul mates and then before we know it we are standing alone. They got to have sex and they are perfectly fine with moving on. You officially mean nothing. Its debilitating. You question yourself thinking what made you not good enough? What did you do wrong? You begin apologizing for things that you don't even understand just to have them back and all reality is that they don't. Guys will invest months into someone. Tell them the world. Hell even give them the world. Then disappear and shut you out like your a stranger on the street. I've been that girl. I'm sure many of you out there have been too.
Men know that all women want in someone is the world. To feel extra special To feel that all they need is just you to be happy. A woman's weakness is their heart. You get in it and you have her wrapped around your finger no matter how strong and independent she is. That is why love is so powerful. When its felt to be real, nothing else matters and nothing can change your mind or heart on what is right. Watching the movie and to actually see this little girl's reaction to the reality that what had happened to her was rape it was devastating to her. Reality broke her in a million pieces. (Very good actress by the way! )
I had a lot of realities hit me when I watched this movie. Past relationships that I thought was something really wasn't. Think maybe that is why I cried so much watching the ending because I know that shocking pain.
All I can say though at this point that I'm thankful that I do have the reality of real love. The man who kisses my forehead when he thinks I'm sleeping.....the one who goes out and starts my car when its freezing outside in his boxers to defrost it for me to go to work, the one who looks in my eyes and say how beautiful I am to him....my husband. It took a lot of relationships to figure out what is my perfect heaven of love. Even with a disruption to our marriage it still is love. Crazy...unmistakable love.

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead.  We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces."  ~Sigmund Freud

School, work....life. You know, the usual.

Ya..its been awhile. School has overtaken me. The only thing I've been writing lately is how to use critical thinking in the management world. BORING!!! I fall asleep writing my papers so I know my teacher that is giving me my A's is completely not reading my material and pretending to like me. Either way, I'm getting an A so I'm not going to complain. Too much anyways.....
I'm still searching for my next best thing in the job front. Nothing really has impressed me or has sparked my interest. I am thankful for the job that I have now and I don't want to just get another job just to have another job. It has to have a purpose for my career path. When people look at your resume, it has to have a balance. You don't want to confuse someone and actually make them ask you why you went from being a corporate executive to being barback at a local bar. This economy isn't helping though. Sometimes you just have to take what you can get to just have an income coming in. I've had people call me for Tech positions but to me it doesn't make sense. I would be taking two steps backwards. I love what I do, what I have experienced, but I want more. Maybe its selfish but I think I deserve more too. I have the drive. I work really hard. I know I will be happy in my career one day and I don't want to take any steps backwards in it. When I wasn't selected for the Analyst position at Amerisource....it sucked, especially knowing that it had nothing to do with me. It was because of one of my references. Funny isn't? I didn't get a job because of someone else. It is for the best though. I will not be bitter. I won't go into anymore detail about that situation. I just know I have to change my references and move on from that.
Time has created a new me. I appreciate the people I still hold close even though its a small handful. I've grown from my mistakes and learned from them. I am so looking forward to next year because I know it will not be as horrible as this year has been. It just can't be.