Sex Please

****Just a little disclaimer before reading further. This isn't for the prude let alone kids. Don't continue to read if sex bothers you. ***


Okay....so your in a long term relationship and/or married. Sex is just one of those things anymore. Its like you look at the calendar and see its Thursday and you think..."I'm getting it in tonight". Hello!!!! Pathetic. Really. It doesn't have to be that way. Things get hard to balance with work, school, and kids and hell what to make for freaking dinner....but the one thing you shouldn't ever plan is when to get it hard.

Best piece of advice that I got from a couple that have been together for over 30 years was that the husband said, "I still date my wife". I think he maybe the only guy in the world out there that does that...but hey, you boys need to learn from someone. Go back and try to remember how you were wondering what you had to do and/or say to get a piece of ass. You actually had to go out of your way to try to make something happen. Quit trying to expect it, let alone demand it. You can't test a woman because we can hold that shit hostage. Don't just think the Lion's Den is for men because us girls can go a lot longer with the funness of our toys then you can with Mr. Right Hand.

Women, now don't just do it because you think its required. Remember you actually used to enjoy it......well at least I hope you did. Sex is needed. Make it fun. Make it spontaneous. Don't think that every time you do something that it has to be "making love". Shut up. I really honestly hate it when I hear girls say that shit. Bitching about that they won't do anything unless it means something. I just want to smack them upside the head and have them wake up to reality. Realistically, you can tell the difference. Passion is different then when you get down and dirty. Sex is just something we need. I can literally walk around a public place and can tell who just got laid and who just really needs someone to just touch them. Plus if a girl really thinks every time she lets her man have access to the goods is making love then she is dumb. Beyond dumb.

So...with all that, here is my advice. Stay at home mamas, put some make-up on. Take off those granny panties and put on those Lacey Victoria secrets that you know your ass looks good in. Make your man look at you and not have them all disappointed when they come home and see your hair pulled up and his basketball shorts on. Take care of yourself and it will one: Confuse them and Two: won't stop staring. Good things if you want to get it in.
Guys....you need a lot of advice but here is just a bit. You don't deserve access just because you brought home flowers or happened to remember to take the trash out. Quit expecting it because you think you have been a good boy. Little things make the big changes vs. the large gestures. Is a strand of hair in her face? Stop her for a minute and move it out of the way and look into her eyes. Remind her that she is beautiful at complete random moments. Next thing you know you may have learned how to hold your balance standing up because you just curled her toes by barely touching her and she is probably in attack mode. Oh and one more thing. Almost forgot. Men: now please if you know your going to be a 10 pump rookie, make sure you don't just pump and go without paying first. Just saying.

Everyone needs to make the effort. Everyone needs to have sex. Just not all with each other please. That is gross. So there is some randomness for ya. Enjoy!

Courage to Update

Someone told me the other day that they would never have the courage to say some of the things that I do say let alone share. They don't have the courage to do it.

This kind of thrown me back a little bit. I don't want this persona of that I am the girl that doesn't give a shit about what people think of me. I unfortunately am all about what people think of me and trying to stay in the good gracious of that. Every time I leak out something personal, I do have a huge hesitation to hit the publish button. I freak out to be more specific. I hate to be misinterpreted and I don't want others to frown on me because our viewpoints are different. I love seeing how many times someone reads anything I wrote but then again there is a pit in my stomach freaking out to see the numbers go up. The numbers mean that there is one more person that has a story in their head of me and not knowing what to do with it.

I'm getting better though. Mostly because I don't think there really isn't that much for secretiveness about me out there. I set it up that way though. I can't go and say I am a real genuine person and then sugar coat my life now can I? ;) Life is hard and my blogging is my reality of it.

I love that I have readers and I love that my stories have helped others too. I'm not going to copy and paste all the private emails I have gotten over the past few months. It has though helped knowing that here I was scared to hit a button to share when someone else out there was going through what I was and needed to know they weren't alone. I hate that they gone through what I did but knowing I was helping them made my pain not so bad anymore.

Speaking of pain, I'm getting over it. Just taking each day at a time. I'm medication free and my drive for success has no speed limit. I'm working on me in more ways then one and feeling good about it. Awesome things are happening for me but I'm still kinda stuck in a slum of wanting to have everything fixed right now and it not happening. It sucks but I really think just hanging in there for at least a year, I will find myself the wait worth it.

Those of you that are apart of my Facebook got some of the inside scoop on what I'm thinking for as my future. I'm looking at joining the military. Right now, I don't have the support I need........but I'm working on it. I just gotta find a way to be taken more seriously. I'll think of something eventually. Right now, I got nothing.

What I do though have is some pretty interesting blogs coming your way.. Remember the blog on the Queef? Haha...well I have more kinda up that alley going to be published. Nothing like taking awkward and non talked about conversations and making them my own. ;)

So that its for now. Just a quick update. This girl needs some sleep. I'll be blogging your way soon! 

Life is Disclaiming

There is a difference of being you and being socially connected. There are lines that distinguish them. You either cross them or you don't. You either get the whole story, the whole feeling, or you don't. You do have the option of Transparency though. You can get out what you want to say, but this opens doors for misinterpretation. Something that I have to deal with quite frequently because I roll with both honesty and being transparent.
I shared a very personal viewpoint late last night. I didn't have to. I didn't have to open the door to strangers, friends and family to know something that they wouldn't have if they chose to read it. Most people look at things and define character. I do...I definitely do that. I do view though my social sharing as a hypocrite. I get pissed when I'm told to filter, honestly. I'm being me. I have a shot gun mouth and delayed thinking. I get really heated and become this person that acts on emotion without seeing how first how it can affect others, let alone myself. I'm usually cleaning up a lot of messes my mouth makes. Its me though. I'm trying to change some part of it, but changing such a natural element of myself is where its hard.
I don't like people thinking negative of me. When I act and speak a certain way I have to accept another perception even when my intentions were never negative to begin with. My damn emotions get the best of me so I get a little selfish and just get out what I want to and not want to deal with how other people may think of it. You take something I say personal and your name isn't even mentioned, then you are ignorant. Your the naive one that thought I was talking about you when I wasn't  and you done got yourself up in a tissy for nothing except to piss me off. I had that happen quite a few months ago. It still annoys the piss out of me honestly. I said on Facebook, "Stupid Nurse" and then something else along with it. Well two people just saw Stupid Nurse. They didn't see anything but that. Why? Well they are nurses. I didn't say, Sarah and Brianna are stupid nurses. I said stupid nurse and why this person was a stupid nurse. I didn't label a name because I obviously don't associate with them via facebook. I obviously don't like them for the reason I stated. I'm still to this day getting back lashed for it. I had to deal with a stupid nurse and then two more stupid people after it because they made it about them because they didn't have the balls to ask..."Hey...what happened? Or Who ya talking about?" Nothing of the sort. They just thought it was them........blah blah blahhhhhhh

People don't know that when I do sit down and write either this blog or my Pharmacy one that I have classical piano playing loudly in the background unless I say I do. People don't know where I am unless I say I do or punch it in on Foursquare. I tweet random thoughts like I'm having a conversation with myself, I facebook to see how many people actually even listen. I get fired up when I see more investments on Empire Avenue, your social standing in the Social Media world. I'm that girl lost without her phone, iPad, Laptop, and my many desktops. I check all my emails, I respond to every text, I return every call. I enjoy being connected. That's it. If you don't want to see when I got take a pee, then don't follow. Okay...so I don't announce when I pee. There are lines that believe it or not I don't cross. ;)
You know something about me and want to judge my character for it by the way I share then do it. I write and be connected for me. I have to take in all the good and the bad with it because of it. Maybe I'm just naive and expect that if I write something and someone that reads it begins to try to figure out what the hell I'm coming from that I would expect them to come to me versus talking to everyone else around them about me. That doesn't happen though. I usually get a conversation delivered to me by my father or sister two weeks after I say something or do something and then there is a lecture.
I do have a lot of moments of when I reflect after I've done something or said something. People tend forget that the hardest person to deal with is usually yourself. I'm unbelievable hard on myself. Its why I go into panic mode or clean up mode and start apologizing. I truly don't mean to upset others, but I can't hide being completely me.
Usually apart of my lectures from family is about my future. They know I want something big. I'm not going to stop when it comes to my career. I'm thinking big and random and over the place. I want my feet in tons of opportunity. I think the largest Pharmaceutical companies...then my mind goes to stepping into the military as an officer. Walking in representation for the FDA. Really really big thoughts and goals. My mouth may prevent me opportunities. It may not. I know that people don't want to see a representative of a BIG Corporation going out with friends and consuming lots of alcohol. Tweeting curse words, posing in awkward positions for random pictures to share will be viewed. I will be labelled. I will be selected or not. I live in a fairytale world of still being me and fighting for what I want and getting a positive result. My perception may bite me in the ass when it comes down to it in the end but that something for me to deal with.
I think and I know that I'm a good person. I'm that friend that you can count on for anything. I'm that one in the corner with a strong perception and not afraid. I hope that things of my past won't disable my future. I will be something big one day. You will get more out of Google then my social networking and old softball stats. I'm making a difference for me in a loud way and not the typical one. I follow rules to an extent and don't really listen to anybody. Well I listen...I just don't carry out what other people tell me to do all the time.
The point of all of this rambling is that I chose my path. The outcomes will happen the way that they are supposed to whether or not I say something. I chose to share things that people don't. I don't expect anyone to understand why I do what I do or say what I say. I just expect if their are questions or concerns then to come to me for it. It also though means you have to have a ground to stand on for your reason to even care what I do in the first place.
So that's I guess what all I have to say about that.

A very personal note

I usually wait until the end of the year to reflect and share all the good and the bad things that has happened. This year, 2011 though....wow. A LOT has happened. I've changed so much that I look in the mirror now and have no clue on who I'm even looking at.

I went from ending things with my husband because I just couldn't handle the pain and stress anymore. I finally was able to get myself together to the point where my health was great, my work was AMAZING and I was looking my best of what I've been physically wise in the past 12 years. I was making new friends and creating awesome connections. I even took in someone/something that I shouldn't...well I shouldn't in the way that it ended up happening.

That is just all the beginning sadly. It went from strong woman GIRL POWER to distraught, lost, pill popping psychopath. Who knew anti-depressants could be an enemy? Well...they are. I put myself in place that I thought I needed them. I thought I was doing the right thing. I made a decision to do something that was against everything that was me. My beliefs, my values, and my heart was broken. It broke me. Add my Serotonin inhibitors with a few Xanax and we had ourselves a complete nightmare.

I'm lucky enough to be medication free now. Been so for about almost two weeks.  The medication didn't help....it made me worse. I'm more in a place now where I will cry randomly at any given moment, but honestly its good to feel that pain. It was help for me to have conversation with someone recently that comforted me in a way. 90 percent of our conversation was pretty much necessary "business", but that other 10 percent reminded me on why they were ever in my life in the first place. This person knows me better then I thought, but realistically they just paid attention. They didn't tower at my "out of controlness" and "Insanity". They at least still understood where I was coming from.

Now that I'm at a clear head state, my reflection is really emotional. I lost a lot this year. In return, I gained something that I didn't think would ever be back in my procession. It will be awhile to move forward with a loss of friend and a few other things, but my heart is being fulfilled a million times a plenty with my ever blossoming relationship/marriage with my husband. You would think that after all we went through, the things that has happened....the people that tried to make it impossible; that we wouldn't be here where we are today.

I always knew I found someone special when I first met my husband. We were inseparable. I've had a lot of relationships prior, but nothing like what we had. We were young yes, but we still knew what LOVE was. We were it. Time of course, plus a million kids, financial woes, family imbalance and the lack of help tore our marriage apart. We both hung our white flags and just gave up. Love or not. Giving up and moving on with our lives brought us back to where it should be. Sometimes you have to lose everything to learn its value. I've learned that lesson. I'm not letting go anymore.

Things of course would be easier to manage if I could erase some things that happened this year. I definitely would like an "Edit" button to fix things the way they should have been. I found someone special this year and now I have to go on my life without them. I don't like it. We didn't make good decisions so any future is tainted. A well respected person, someone that moved me continuously with their view of life, their annoying habits.......every little thing that made me connect with this person I have to put in a garbage bag and throw in the trash to never see, hear, be a part of again. I get really angry at myself for this. Why did I ever act the way that I did? Why did they? What was the purpose of them being apart of EVERYTHING and then be suddenly blocked, ignored, and battered the next and be now NOTHING.........????

This is life though. Every decision, every thought and process and test and trial will always have an outcome. Outcomes come with consequence. Well consequence, you suck.

I really want to be that girl that has her cake and eat it too. Move forward without that "consequence" linger, trouble, and break my family. This is though what I deserve. I may whine and be sad, but look at me. I'm really on the highest platform that I ever could be. Every day that was miserable with my husband I would beg God that he would stop being such a jerk. Go back to being the person I fell in love with to begin with. Well guess what? God listened. Not only did he listen, he gave me more than expected. With everything that has happened, knowing unfortunately every explicit detail, I have what I've wanted all these years. I will be forever grateful for that.

I know when he comes home in two days, he will read this blog. He knows what I'm battling. He even understands why its a battle to begin with. Its just sometimes hard to believe because I really I rang him through the shitter. I wasn't the best I could be. I won't ever deny that. I put myself into positions that I shouldn't. A good percent though of all that was because of this year. Because of everything that has happened, I was broken. I was lost. I was devastated in myself to the point where I thought every hour was cycled around pills to make me function. I wasn't me in any sense. He has seen that and unbelievably accepted it.

A lot of people have heard bits and pieces of what has happened. No one will ever know really I guess what did. It will be okay though. Why? Because I may not see ME yet fully in a mirror doesn't mean I'm still not here. I am. My voice is still here in strong. My heart is full and slightly battered. My strength is growing and it will not falter. My hope is promising and not failing. One day I know everything will be okay in every way again. One day I will no longer battle internally over certain things, people, and decisions.

So, this year has sucked but yet been great. I'm finding my way to where I should be. Things are different now. A LOT different. That was the purpose of everything though.....right?

Every Day is September 11th

I'm a little pissed at myself for not even getting it all out to begin with. I've been sitting here talking up a storm with numerous people today about tomorrow and its meaning. I still remain the same with stating that it is a day to remember the fallen. Its still a day to appreciate where we are today. I didn't go into too much of this but I did say that EVERYDAY should be appreciated and remembered for what it is. Not just because it happens to be an Anniversary for something that happened.

Sitting here between my football games I see all these things about what people are doing tomorrow. All the TV specials, the speeches, How they are making there day mean something. Its great to do...but why can't people do that everyday? These family's that are now empty of people daily are reminded of their losses. Everyone else just looks at the Calendar to make that day be something more. Now how does that make sense?

Me personally, I look up at the sky quite frequently. I still remember the feeling of silence in the air. I remember the feelings I felt that day and all the crap I had to deal with when I was expected to go back to work and be another member of corporate society. Dealing with again people taking advantage of any situation possible to get something out of it. Its so frustrating. There are so many bad people in the world and bad things still happen. Did you know statistically the crime rate for September 11th since 2001 has been drastically depleted to almost nothing? People still fuck up, but not on September 11th. Why is it that people only come together when NBC says its an Anniversary and Pauly from Jersey Shore says too? Basically, I still remember my colleague and his family and his daughter quite frequently, not because a calendar reminds me of it. I see firefighters and can be emotionally overwhelmed just because of knowing what they do, what they can do, and what they did. I guess its kinda good I don't work at a Trauma Facility anymore. I used to work with the firefighters quite a bit for dealing with well...trauma patients. I've met people over the years that shared with me their story and what they do to change because of what happened and that is now instilled in my heart as well. As I said, I don't just see a firefighter anymore. I see the person that they are, that they are capable of and the people that were just like them. I always appreciated the military, but actually knowing quite a few now more personally and dealing with everything that we have, its a whole different feeling to see that uniform. I'm that person in a grocery store or at a mall and I see a soldier and I will just go up to them and shake their hand and say "Thank you". I don't expect anything else....I just do that. I just Value them. My brother in-law is dedicated a life to the air-force. My father dedicated time to the Air force. Friends of mine are serving. There is just more meaning behind what people do. Taking just one day to say thank you to those that are firefighters, police officers and our military just isn't right. Wake the the fuck up and appreciate what others do. Appreciate all that has happen for you to have the life that you have now. It comes from things that our history as American's have been challenged with. Don't make a calendar say when to think of Pearl Harbor and the people lost that day. Don't make a calendar remind you of when a person just ran into a burning building to save someone in it. Don't make a calendar say for you to do anything differently...well make sure you take your trash out on trash day.

No matter what every year I will always do the same. Its my daughter's birthday. I will always pay tribute to her as I will every day of her life. Why? Because I value her.  I value also to see a plane in the sky....I can walk in the buildings downtown and feel okay to be on the 25th floor. ...I can get on a plane (with Xanax) and when I light candles for prayers for others, I still think not only of people I hold close, but of others I don't even know. That's just me though. Not everyone else does.

I just wanted to I guess to feed off of what I wrote earlier. Yes, please make some sort of tribute to remember. Even its just 5 seconds of silence or opening a door for a stranger. The biggest picture I just want everyone to know is that don't make an Anniversary make you a better person for just one day, be that everyday. Remember what happened...appreciate all fallen heroes and the ones lacing up their boots for today. Value being an American and everything that comes with it.

September 11th, 2011

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Tomorrow is a powerful day. Its not just a day on a Calendar. Its not just going to be Sunday. It has a lot of labels and a lot of meanings. September 11th is day American's hold close. Its a day that reminded us that we are not always protected on our soil. Devastation to undeserving.  Its a reminder of special people that gave their all. It's a reminder of one less person at Christmas, in your office or in your network.

Personally everyday should hold a value and respect. We are given our lives to make a difference and prove worthy of ourselves. Being kind and appreciated of opportunities, social statures, financial status, friends and family. We make up a society of all races and religious beliefs. We stand in a line of brother's and sister's to hold it together when it counts. We are a nation without failure. We do stand strong and proud of where we come from. We cry when we are hurt, but we get up and dust ourselves off and stand up for ourselves. Our military are still fighting and protecting for us. Our security alerts and precautions are heightened. Our interpretations and even sometimes decision making process are changed. We as a whole are changed because of one day.

Tomorrow I will be honoring all lost and their families that are empty. My candle will be lit and my flag will hang high. I will look at the sky and be thankful for what I have today, tomorrow and yesterday. I will look in the eyes of my oldest daughter who will be 11 years old tomorrow. Its a little difficult to find in myself sometimes every year on this day to smile and to be in celebratory spirits. My daughter didn't deserve her first birthday to be of devastation....nor did what even happened to begin with. It is what it is. Its a day to celebrate her life and to honor the death. Its a remembrance of my fellow colleague and his at the time 3 year old daughter that lost their lives in the plane that hit tower two that we as a nation watched on television together. Its a remembrance to an Uncle of a friend that was never found after he went back in and out of the towers to save the lives of others because it was his job as a firefighter to do. Its more then just a day.

So what will you do tomorrow, this September 11th? After Mass in the morning, my family and I will be stopping at our local fire department for support and then off to get Kymberly's ear pierced. My candle will burn as I said all day, my prayers and thoughts will not even halt, and I will have birthday cake. So again...I ask: What will you do?