I usually wait until the end of the year to reflect and share all the good and the bad things that has happened. This year, 2011 though....wow. A LOT has happened. I've changed so much that I look in the mirror now and have no clue on who I'm even looking at.
I went from ending things with my husband because I just couldn't handle the pain and stress anymore. I finally was able to get myself together to the point where my health was great, my work was AMAZING and I was looking my best of what I've been physically wise in the past 12 years. I was making new friends and creating awesome connections. I even took in someone/something that I shouldn't...well I shouldn't in the way that it ended up happening.
That is just all the beginning sadly. It went from strong woman GIRL POWER to distraught, lost, pill popping psychopath. Who knew anti-depressants could be an enemy? Well...they are. I put myself in place that I thought I needed them. I thought I was doing the right thing. I made a decision to do something that was against everything that was me. My beliefs, my values, and my heart was broken. It broke me. Add my Serotonin inhibitors with a few Xanax and we had ourselves a complete nightmare.
I'm lucky enough to be medication free now. Been so for about almost two weeks. The medication didn't help....it made me worse. I'm more in a place now where I will cry randomly at any given moment, but honestly its good to feel that pain. It was help for me to have conversation with someone recently that comforted me in a way. 90 percent of our conversation was pretty much necessary "business", but that other 10 percent reminded me on why they were ever in my life in the first place. This person knows me better then I thought, but realistically they just paid attention. They didn't tower at my "out of controlness" and "Insanity". They at least still understood where I was coming from.
Now that I'm at a clear head state, my reflection is really emotional. I lost a lot this year. In return, I gained something that I didn't think would ever be back in my procession. It will be awhile to move forward with a loss of friend and a few other things, but my heart is being fulfilled a million times a plenty with my ever blossoming relationship/marriage with my husband. You would think that after all we went through, the things that has happened....the people that tried to make it impossible; that we wouldn't be here where we are today.
I always knew I found someone special when I first met my husband. We were inseparable. I've had a lot of relationships prior, but nothing like what we had. We were young yes, but we still knew what LOVE was. We were it. Time of course, plus a million kids, financial woes, family imbalance and the lack of help tore our marriage apart. We both hung our white flags and just gave up. Love or not. Giving up and moving on with our lives brought us back to where it should be. Sometimes you have to lose everything to learn its value. I've learned that lesson. I'm not letting go anymore.
Things of course would be easier to manage if I could erase some things that happened this year. I definitely would like an "Edit" button to fix things the way they should have been. I found someone special this year and now I have to go on my life without them. I don't like it. We didn't make good decisions so any future is tainted. A well respected person, someone that moved me continuously with their view of life, their annoying habits.......every little thing that made me connect with this person I have to put in a garbage bag and throw in the trash to never see, hear, be a part of again. I get really angry at myself for this. Why did I ever act the way that I did? Why did they? What was the purpose of them being apart of EVERYTHING and then be suddenly blocked, ignored, and battered the next and be now NOTHING.........????
This is life though. Every decision, every thought and process and test and trial will always have an outcome. Outcomes come with consequence. Well consequence, you suck.
I really want to be that girl that has her cake and eat it too. Move forward without that "consequence" linger, trouble, and break my family. This is though what I deserve. I may whine and be sad, but look at me. I'm really on the highest platform that I ever could be. Every day that was miserable with my husband I would beg God that he would stop being such a jerk. Go back to being the person I fell in love with to begin with. Well guess what? God listened. Not only did he listen, he gave me more than expected. With everything that has happened, knowing unfortunately every explicit detail, I have what I've wanted all these years. I will be forever grateful for that.
I know when he comes home in two days, he will read this blog. He knows what I'm battling. He even understands why its a battle to begin with. Its just sometimes hard to believe because I really I rang him through the shitter. I wasn't the best I could be. I won't ever deny that. I put myself into positions that I shouldn't. A good percent though of all that was because of this year. Because of everything that has happened, I was broken. I was lost. I was devastated in myself to the point where I thought every hour was cycled around pills to make me function. I wasn't me in any sense. He has seen that and unbelievably accepted it.
A lot of people have heard bits and pieces of what has happened. No one will ever know really I guess what did. It will be okay though. Why? Because I may not see ME yet fully in a mirror doesn't mean I'm still not here. I am. My voice is still here in strong. My heart is full and slightly battered. My strength is growing and it will not falter. My hope is promising and not failing. One day I know everything will be okay in every way again. One day I will no longer battle internally over certain things, people, and decisions.
So, this year has sucked but yet been great. I'm finding my way to where I should be. Things are different now. A LOT different. That was the purpose of everything though.....right?
I went from ending things with my husband because I just couldn't handle the pain and stress anymore. I finally was able to get myself together to the point where my health was great, my work was AMAZING and I was looking my best of what I've been physically wise in the past 12 years. I was making new friends and creating awesome connections. I even took in someone/something that I shouldn't...well I shouldn't in the way that it ended up happening.
That is just all the beginning sadly. It went from strong woman GIRL POWER to distraught, lost, pill popping psychopath. Who knew anti-depressants could be an enemy? Well...they are. I put myself in place that I thought I needed them. I thought I was doing the right thing. I made a decision to do something that was against everything that was me. My beliefs, my values, and my heart was broken. It broke me. Add my Serotonin inhibitors with a few Xanax and we had ourselves a complete nightmare.
I'm lucky enough to be medication free now. Been so for about almost two weeks. The medication didn't help....it made me worse. I'm more in a place now where I will cry randomly at any given moment, but honestly its good to feel that pain. It was help for me to have conversation with someone recently that comforted me in a way. 90 percent of our conversation was pretty much necessary "business", but that other 10 percent reminded me on why they were ever in my life in the first place. This person knows me better then I thought, but realistically they just paid attention. They didn't tower at my "out of controlness" and "Insanity". They at least still understood where I was coming from.
Now that I'm at a clear head state, my reflection is really emotional. I lost a lot this year. In return, I gained something that I didn't think would ever be back in my procession. It will be awhile to move forward with a loss of friend and a few other things, but my heart is being fulfilled a million times a plenty with my ever blossoming relationship/marriage with my husband. You would think that after all we went through, the things that has happened....the people that tried to make it impossible; that we wouldn't be here where we are today.
I always knew I found someone special when I first met my husband. We were inseparable. I've had a lot of relationships prior, but nothing like what we had. We were young yes, but we still knew what LOVE was. We were it. Time of course, plus a million kids, financial woes, family imbalance and the lack of help tore our marriage apart. We both hung our white flags and just gave up. Love or not. Giving up and moving on with our lives brought us back to where it should be. Sometimes you have to lose everything to learn its value. I've learned that lesson. I'm not letting go anymore.
Things of course would be easier to manage if I could erase some things that happened this year. I definitely would like an "Edit" button to fix things the way they should have been. I found someone special this year and now I have to go on my life without them. I don't like it. We didn't make good decisions so any future is tainted. A well respected person, someone that moved me continuously with their view of life, their annoying habits.......every little thing that made me connect with this person I have to put in a garbage bag and throw in the trash to never see, hear, be a part of again. I get really angry at myself for this. Why did I ever act the way that I did? Why did they? What was the purpose of them being apart of EVERYTHING and then be suddenly blocked, ignored, and battered the next and be now NOTHING.........????
This is life though. Every decision, every thought and process and test and trial will always have an outcome. Outcomes come with consequence. Well consequence, you suck.
I really want to be that girl that has her cake and eat it too. Move forward without that "consequence" linger, trouble, and break my family. This is though what I deserve. I may whine and be sad, but look at me. I'm really on the highest platform that I ever could be. Every day that was miserable with my husband I would beg God that he would stop being such a jerk. Go back to being the person I fell in love with to begin with. Well guess what? God listened. Not only did he listen, he gave me more than expected. With everything that has happened, knowing unfortunately every explicit detail, I have what I've wanted all these years. I will be forever grateful for that.
I know when he comes home in two days, he will read this blog. He knows what I'm battling. He even understands why its a battle to begin with. Its just sometimes hard to believe because I really I rang him through the shitter. I wasn't the best I could be. I won't ever deny that. I put myself into positions that I shouldn't. A good percent though of all that was because of this year. Because of everything that has happened, I was broken. I was lost. I was devastated in myself to the point where I thought every hour was cycled around pills to make me function. I wasn't me in any sense. He has seen that and unbelievably accepted it.
A lot of people have heard bits and pieces of what has happened. No one will ever know really I guess what did. It will be okay though. Why? Because I may not see ME yet fully in a mirror doesn't mean I'm still not here. I am. My voice is still here in strong. My heart is full and slightly battered. My strength is growing and it will not falter. My hope is promising and not failing. One day I know everything will be okay in every way again. One day I will no longer battle internally over certain things, people, and decisions.
So, this year has sucked but yet been great. I'm finding my way to where I should be. Things are different now. A LOT different. That was the purpose of everything though.....right?
Sometimes people just don't know what others go through. They hide a lot and just let bits and pieces every now and again. I typically don't read things like this, but I did. Your year of battling which seems to be a lot, your still strong and gifted with true love. Not a lot people actually sit back and reflect like this. People make mistakes and just keep going. You, own up to them and apparently do everything possible to make it happen.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard....but it looks like you find your backbone. Congrats on your marriage saved. Love like that doesn't come from just anywhere.
I meant to say that you own up to your mistakes and do anything possible to fix and prevent them.
ReplyDeleteEveryone that knows you at least just a little bit, knew your love was strong. That was never ever questioned. To be honest, nothing ever was or is. People go through life with battles and hardships that most people didn't even try to figure out why. Your passion for life, yourself, and for your family is what looks like will always be your strong suit. :)
ReplyDeleteBy the way....this sounds like a hell of time to finally have that wedding now right??? Would love to see you two show the rest of the world what real love it already so get at planning!!!!